Alright, buckle up, buttercups! 🤘 Your favorite fire-breathing, money-hoarding demon 👹, Gene Simmons, has once again graced us with his infinite wisdom. This time, he’s yapping about The Beatles on some podcast called The School Of Greatness. Greatness? More like the School of Hard Knocks, am I right? 😂
So, the host 🤡, Lewis Howes, probably drooling, asked Gene to name some of the “greatest musicians and songwriters.” And guess what? Gene, never one to be subtle, declared (as transcribed by the ever-reliable BLABBERMOUTH.NET, bless their cotton socks 🧦): “Well, clearly THE BEATLES are above and beyond anything that anybody’s seen in music over, oh, 200 years — easily.” Two hundred years?! Did someone slip something into his Metamucil? 👴 He continues, “Not since the Renaissance.” Oh, Gene, you slay me! 🤣 Comparing The Beatles to the Renaissance? Next, he’ll be saying they invented sliced bread. 🍞 He then went on a rant about Liverpool being a “pool filled with liver.” 🤢 Okay, Gene, we get it, you’re not a fan of British cuisine. High unemployment rate, no experience, no resume, no nothing! And yet [sings] ‘I wanna hold your hand’, [sings] ‘She loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.’ And that last chord, that minor ninth is as sophisticated chord, if you know about music… That thing is almost like a jazz chord — unheard of in rock music.” Jazz chord? In a Beatles song? 🧐 Someone get this man a music theory lesson STAT! 🚑
He rambled on: “Okay, look, I’m gonna give you something you’ll be able to understand.” Oh, Gene, you condescending genius! 🤩 “[THE ROLLING STONES‘] ‘Satisfaction’ is one of the great songs… It takes about 40 seconds to get to the first [chorus], ‘I can’t get no…’ Or anything. [CREAM‘s] ‘Sunshine Of Your Love’. It takes about 50 seconds to get [to] ‘I’ve been waiting so long’ and all that. On and on and on. THE BEATLES. ‘I just wrote a new song.’ ‘What is it called?’ ‘It’s called ‘Help’.’ ‘How’s it go?’ It goes like this: [sings] ‘Help. I need somebody. Help.’ Not even an introduction, nothing. ‘Got another one for you.’ ‘What is it called?’ ‘It’s called ‘Yesterday’.’ ‘How’s it go?’ It goes like this: [sings] ‘Yesterday.’ I got another one for you. It’s called ‘Michelle’.’ ‘How’s it go?’ [Sings] ‘Michelle…’ ‘Got another one for you. It’s called ‘Hey, Jude’.’ Not only does it be begin with ‘Hey, Jude’, the word ‘Hey’ is before the music. [Sings] ‘Hey, Jude’, and then the chords come in. Those are what’s called perfect songs. Not only that, but the title of the song is the first word of the song, it’s the most memorable song and it’s the last word in the song. [Sings] ‘Yesterday.’ The last [words of the] song, [sings] ‘Cause I believe in yesterday.’ Who writes songs like that? It’s undeniable, their writing. [Paul] McCartney, especially, by far is the most successful songwriter in all of recorded history. There have been over a thousand different artists who’ve recorded just ‘Yesterday’.” Okay, okay, Gene, we get it. The Beatles wrote catchy songs. Groundbreaking stuff. 🙄 But seriously, a thousand artists covering “Yesterday”? I bet half of them were karaoke singers in dive bars. 🎤
Gene, bless his heart (and his bank account 💰), previously reminisced about his first Beatles memory with SPIN magazine. He gushed: “When I was a kid, I was affected by THE BEATLES — like a religious event, like a singularity.” A religious event? Seriously? ⛪️ Did the heavens open up and shower you with Beatlemania? “I wasn’t a musician. I was just a kid. Turn on the TV, and THE BEATLES came out: ‘She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.’ I’m going, ‘What is that? What accent is that?’ And they look like girls, and they’re small human beings with silly haircuts.” 😂 Okay, Gene, now you’re just being catty. But, let’s be honest, those haircuts were pretty questionable. 💇♀️
In another gem 💎, this time with Goldmine, Simmons declared THE BEATLES‘ White Album as one of the ten LPs that changed his life. He pontificated: “THE BEATLES‘ White Album is one of my favorites because you’re seeing turmoil within perhaps the greatest band that ever existed that recorded its own music, where each member was a star. But you could hear and feel the disjointed sense of that album, although clearly the songs shined and the playing and the production was terrific.” Turmoil? Disjointed? Sounds like my last family gathering. 👨👩👧👦 But hey, at least the songs shined, right? ✨
He continued: “It’s interesting that ‘Abbey Road’ perhaps was the greatest BEATLES album, and they were breaking up at that point, but somehow that had a more unified thing. But just for crazy out-there music, it’s gotta be The White Album.” So, “Abbey Road” is great, but the White Album is “crazy out-there”? 🤪 I’m starting to think Gene just likes to contradict himself for fun. 😈
Two whole years ago, Gene graced the PA news agency with his profound insights: “Were it not for THE BEATLES, England would have been about Knights Of The Round Table and Guy Fawkes and all this other stuff — just another country with a history and lots of countries have colorful histories. THE BEATLES made it, and created a culture, almost a religion, and Liverpool became a holy ground… so when THE BEATLES hit, it was like a H-bomb.” 💣 Okay, Gene, dial it back a notch. The Beatles were influential, but they didn’t single-handedly rewrite history. “I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. It was unbelievable, and all of us kept pointing back to England and it affected me so much that I actually started to speak in a fake English accent.” 😂 A fake English accent? Oh, Gene, please tell me there’s video evidence of this. “I mean, Elvis [Presley] was a star, but it didn’t affect culture. He was a true rock star, but didn’t affect how you lead your life or what you did or what you thought. But THE BEATLES changed everything. It was almost like BB and AB — before THE BEATLES and after THE BEATLES. Everything changed, and it was a British invasion which hit not just America, but all around the world.” Shots fired at Elvis! 🎯 Gene, you’re a savage! 🔥
In conclusion, Gene Simmons ❤️ The Beatles (apparently). And he’s not afraid to tell you about it, even if he exaggerates a little (or a lot). Never change, Gene. Never change. 🙏
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
