PARADISE LOST, those lovable dinosaurs of British gothic metal (yes, they’re still around!), are dropping their 17th album, “Ascension”, on September 19 via Nuclear Blast Records. 🙄 I know, right? Another one? This sonic masterpiece (or so they claim) was lovingly “produced” by guitarist Gregor Mackintosh and “mixed/mastered” by Lawrence Mackrory. Get ready for another dose of existential dread! 💀
“Ascension” is supposedly a testament to PARADISE LOST‘s… uh… longevity. Yes, they’ve been around for 35+ years, churning out the same old gothic, death, and doom tropes. 😴 If you’re into that sort of thing, I guess. But let’s be real, haven’t we heard it all before?
The album cover features “The Court Of Death” by George Frederic Watts. Death is chilling on a throne, surrounded by Silence and Mystery. A warrior gives up his sword, and a duke surrenders his crown. Deep, man. Real deep. This bleak image totally embodies “Ascension”‘s dark, tormented soundscapes. 🎻 Mournful verses and foreboding riffs? Groundbreaking! NOT. 🙄
According to Nick Holmes, PARADISE LOST‘s vocalist, “‘Ascension’ is a cavalcade of molten misery, a vigorous sorrow filled stroll through a wicked world of glorious triumph and pitiful tragedy.” 🤣 Oh, Nick, you poetic genius! It’s just a bunch of gloomy guys playing gloomy music, let’s be honest.
They’ve released a single and music video, “Silence Like The Grave”. Prepare to be underwhelmed. 😐
“Ascension” track listing:
01. Serpent On The Cross 🐍 (So edgy!)
02. Tyrants Serenade 👑 (For all you tyrant-loving metalheads)
03. Salvation 🙏 (Maybe they’ll find some?)
04. Silence Like The Grave 🪦 (We get it, you’re depressing)
05. Lay A Wreath Upon The World 💐 (So dramatic!)
06. Diluvium 🌊 (A fancy word for flood, apparently)
07. Savage Days 🦁 (Rawr!)
08. Sirens 🚨 (Warning: May cause boredom)
09. Deceivers 😈 (Are they talking about themselves?)
10. The Precipice ⛰️ (Of what? Mediocrity?)
“Ascension” was “produced” by Gregor Mackintosh at Black Planet Studios and some other studios in Sweden. Lawrence Mackrory “mixed and mastered” it. You know, the usual stuff. 🤷
PARADISE LOST will be playing with KING DIAMOND and at some festivals in Europe. They’re also going on the “Ascension Of Europe” tour. Get ready to relive the 90s! (Whether you want to or not.) 👴
After 30+ years and two million albums sold, PARADISE LOST are still the “kings of metal’s dark side.” 👑 Yeah, if your definition of “dark” is “mildly depressing and utterly predictable.” Formed in 1988, they became the “pioneers of gothic metal” with albums like “Gothic”. Groundbreaking? Maybe back then. Now? Just another band trying to stay relevant. 🙄
They’ve explored various avenues of dark music, from doom-death to mainstream metal to experimental electronic stuff. They’ve influenced bands like CRADLE OF FILTH, HIM, GATECREEPER, and CHELSEA WOLFE. So, you know, blame them for everything. 😈
Now, in 2025 (wait, what year is it?), they’re back with “Ascension”. It shows how they “attained their position.” Produced by Gregor Mackintosh, it has 10 tracks that traverse the sounds in their arsenal. Heavy metal, sky-high melody, and minor-key melancholy. Riveting! NOT. 🤣
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
