Capcom, bless their cotton socks, thinks they’re pushing boundaries again with Resident Evil Requiem. 🙄 After a whole THIRTY minutes of their presentation, I’m supposed to be quaking in my boots? Please. It’s just another trip to Raccoon City, except this time they’re trying to make it “personal.” Newsflash: I have bills to pay, that’s personal enough!
So, Resident Evil Requiem, huh? Sounds like a rejected metal band name. Anyway, it’s apparently the “most disturbing entry” because…reasons? Oh, right, perspective! Because switching between first and third-person is *so* groundbreaking. Revolutionary, even! 🙄 And the operative word? “Helpless.” Yeah, because I totally play Resident Evil to feel inadequate. Thanks, Capcom! 👍
Grace Ashcroft, our “protagonist,” is basically a damsel in distress. Not like those *other* Resident Evil characters who actually do stuff. No, Grace wakes up strapped to a bed. Upside down. Because why not? 🙃 Her breathing is ragged, her footsteps are loud, and her voice? Oh, the voice! Constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Groundbreaking character design, guys! 🏆
“Resident Evil Requiem isn’t just simulating fear, it’s imposing it.” Oh, honey, please. My internet bill imposes more fear than any video game ever could. 🤣 They *want* you to feel vulnerable? News flash, Capcom: existing in 2024 already does that! My head hurts, alright, but it’s from trying to understand why this game needs to exist.
But hey, at least you can switch to third-person! A feature we totally didn’t already see in Resident Evil Village. Nope, never happened. This is totally new and innovative. 🙄 It gives you “distance,” they say. Because that’s what I want when I’m playing a horror game: to feel detached. 🙄
And the monster? Oh, the MONSTER! A “grotesque, towering woman-beast.” How original! She “devours” her prey and “messes with the area.” Sounds like my cat when I forget to feed her. 😹 The animation is so good it’s “offensive.” Offensive to who? People with taste? 🤔
The demo is all about tension. Because walking around dark hallways flicking light switches is *so* thrilling. 🙄 The environments are “dimly lit” and “claustrophobic.” You know, like every other horror game ever made. Textbook Resident Evil, but with extra steps. 🚶♀️
If you’re looking for action, tough luck! Grace just runs. Because she’s a scaredy-cat. 🙀 But if you liked Resident Evil 7, then you’re in for a treat. Because apparently, being bored out of your skull is a good thing now. 🤷♀️
But don’t worry, Grace isn’t *totally* useless. She has “training.” She’s an FBI agent! But that just means she’s slightly less useless than your average civilian. She uses a syringe instead of a green herb. How edgy! 💉 And the inventory system? It’s got keys, switches, and “too few resources.” Groundbreaking! 🤯
And then there’s the “legacy.” Grace is the daughter of Alyssa Ashcroft from Resident Evil Outbreak. Oh, wow, a deep cut! 🙄 If Alyssa’s history actually matters, I’ll eat my hat. 👒 It’s just a cheap way to get old fans excited. 🙄
Director Kōshi Nakanishi called it “the overture to our darkest symphony yet.” More like the overture to my boredom. 😴 It strips away the “power fantasy.” Because who needs to feel powerful in a video game? 🙄 It’s all about being “alone, outmatched, and just smart enough to survive one more night.” Sounds like my average Tuesday. 🗓️
So, will Resident Evil Requiem be any good? Who knows! But if the demo is anything to go by, it’ll be another generic horror game with a Resident Evil skin. 🐑
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
