Hold onto your dentures, metalheads! 🤘 The geriatric titans of heavy metal, BLACK SABBATH, have officially sold their souls to the plastic brick overlords. In a desperate attempt to stay relevant, LEGOLAND Discovery Centre Birmingham (yes, that’s still a thing) has unveiled a monument to the band’s impending retirement gig in Birmingham. Prepare for a cringe-worthy tribute featuring OZZY OSBOURNE, immortalized in all his blocky, plastic glory. Because nothing says “heavy metal” like a family-friendly amusement park. 🙄
The scene of this monumental embarrassment? A mini-Villa Park, because what better way to celebrate the apocalypse of rock than with a football stadium made of LEGOs? ⚽ The brick-built BLACK SABBATH diorama showcases a mic-wielding OZZY, complete with his trademark (and probably prescription-strength) round spectacles, a cascade of suspiciously neat LEGO hair, and just a hint of that signature bat-biting insanity. Stained glass windows? Really? Did they run out of tiny plastic skulls? 💀
Crafted by the Centre’s “expert master model builders” (aka people who peaked in kindergarten), this tribute is supposed to “riff on decades of rock history.” In reality, it’s more like a sad, out-of-tune kazoo solo. 🎶 Fans of all ages are invited to witness the Prince Of LEGO Darkness up close, because nothing screams “metal” like sticky-fingered toddlers grabbing at your plastic idols. It’s now a permanent fixture in the Miniland experience, alongside other “iconic Birmingham landmarks and legends.” Apparently, BLACK SABBATH is now on par with…a roundabout. 🚦
AMY LANGHAM, the general manager of LEGOLAND Discovery Centre Birmingham (a title she probably brags about at parties), gushed: “BLACK SABBATH are true Birmingham icons, and this felt like the perfect way to honor their final hometown show.” Yes, because nothing says “respect” like reducing a legendary band to a pile of colorful bricks. “Our master model builders had great fun bringing OZZY and the band to life in LEGO form,” she continued, “and we hope it strikes a chord with SABBATH fans young and old.” More like a discordant note, Amy. A very discordant note. 🎵
So, mark your calendars, folks! Starting July 1st, you can “rock up” (their words, not mine) and witness these miniature metalheads in all their plastic glory. And don’t worry, animal rights activists, “no bats were harmed in the making of this model.” Although, one can only assume that OZZY’s LEGO counterpart is fueled by pure, unadulterated chaos. 🦇
As previously reported (by whom, exactly?), BLACK SABBATH’s farewell gig is expected to “boost the West Midlands economy by up to £20 million.” Apparently, nostalgia and the promise of overpriced beer are a powerful economic force. 🍻
The West Midlands Growth Company (who knew that was a thing?) predicts that “as many as 300,000 music, sport, and food fans” will descend upon Birmingham for this “super weekend.” Translation: expect traffic jams, overpriced parking, and disappointment all around. 🚗
Tickets for this monumental event sold out in a mere 16 minutes, with over 150,000 people stuck in a “virtual queue.” Guess people really want to see a bunch of septuagenarians struggle to play “Iron Man” one last time. 👵
MERCURY STUDIOS has somehow secured “exclusive rights” to livestream this geriatric extravaganza in partnership with KISWE. Get ready for shaky camera angles, buffering issues, and the inevitable realization that you could have spent your evening doing something, anything, more productive. 💻
The all-day event, produced by LIVE NATION (because of course it is), will be hosted by none other than JASON MOMOA. Yes, Aquaman himself will be introducing a band whose heyday was roughly 40 years before he was born. The world is truly a bizarre and wonderful place. 🧜♂️
Formed in Birmingham in 1968, BLACK SABBATH “revolutionized the music world,” selling over 75 million albums and “setting the foundation for heavy metal.” Now they are immortalized in Lego’s. “Back To The Beginning” promises to be a tribute and beacon of generosity, with “100% of proceeds going to charity.” Let’s hope that charity is something worthwhile, like funding research into a cure for musical mediocrity. 💰
Proceeds from the show will support Cure Parkinson’s, the Birmingham Children’s Hospital, and Acorn Children’s Hospice. So, at least something good is coming out of this whole LEGO-fied mess. 🙏
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
