OMG! 😱 Sevendust is apparently still a thing and celebrating the 21st anniversary of their *cough* “beloved” acoustic album “Southside Double-Wide: Acoustic Live”. Get ready for stripped-down versions of their “hardest-hitting tracks” which basically means they’ll be playing the same songs, but even slower and more depressing. 💀 If you’re into that kinda stuff, I guess…
So, these guys – Lajon Witherspoon (who?), Clint Lowery (huh?), John Connolly (is that a relative of the Irish revolutionary?), Vinny Hornsby (seriously, who names their kid Vinny?) and Morgan Rose (okay, that one sounds vaguely familiar) – are hitting the road for an “exclusive, intimate tour” 🤣 Translation: they couldn’t book any bigger venues. Expect to hear such “gems” as “Black” (probably about their wardrobe), “Beautiful” (said no one ever about this band), and “Angel’s Son” (guaranteed to make you weep, not from emotion, but from boredom 😭).
The “Southside Double-Wide: Acoustic Live” tour (catchy, right?) kicks off on November 14 in Columbia, Missouri (where?). They’ll be gracing such exotic locales as Memphis, Tennessee (Elvis is rolling in his grave), Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (steel mills and Sevendust, a match made in… well, somewhere), and Kansas City, Missouri (BBQ and questionable music choices). The whole thing mercifully ends on December 12 in San Antonio, Texas (remember the Alamo? You’ll wish Sevendust was there instead). Apparently, this is a “rare acoustic journey.” Because nobody asked for it! 😜. Oh, and some dude named Cory Marks (who?) is opening. Good luck to him. You can find ticket info at www.sevendust.com if you’re, like, really, really bored.
Tour Dates (in case you’re a masochist):
Nov. 14 – Columbia, MO – The Blue Note (probably smells like stale beer)
Nov. 15 – Memphis, TN – Graceland (Elvis deserves better)
Nov. 16 – Nashville, IN – Brown County Music Center (probably painted beige)
Nov. 18 – Newport, KY – MegaCorp Pavilion (sounds like a villain’s lair)
Nov. 19 – Detroit, MI – Masonic Jack White Theatre (at least there’s some real music nearby)
Nov. 21 – Glenside, PA – Keswick Theatre (never heard of it)
Nov. 22 – Somerville, MA – Somerville Theatre (still never heard of it)
Nov. 24 – Pittsburgh, PA – Stage AE (AE… as in, “eh?”)
Nov. 25 – Grand Rapids, MI – GLC Live at 20 Monroe (GLC? As in Great Lakes Conference? WTF)
Nov. 26 – Bloomington, IL – Bloomington Center for The Performing Arts (performing… something)
Nov. 28 – Minneapolis, MN – The Fillmore (okay, that’s a real venue)
Nov. 29 – Milwaukee, WI – Eagles Ballroom (probably full of cheeseheads)
Nov. 30 – West Des Moines, IA – Val Air Ballroom (val air… like, is there even air conditioning?)
Dec. 02 – Green Bay, WI – EPIC Event Center (epic fail, more like it)
Dec. 03 – Lincoln, NE – Bourbon Theatre (at least there’s booze)
Dec. 05 – Kansas City, MO – The Truman (who’s gonna tell ’em?)
Dec. 06 – East Moline, IL – The Rust Belt (fitting)
Dec. 07 – St. Louis, MO – The Hawthorn (sounds… earthy)
Dec. 09 – New Orleans, LA – The Fillmore (at least there’s better music in the city)
Dec. 10 – Houston, TX – House of Blues (they’re lost)
Dec. 11 – Dallas, TX – Texas Theatre (where JFK got shot. Maybe Sevendust will too?)
Dec. 12 – San Antonio, TX – Aztec Theatre (good luck getting out of Texas alive)
Apparently, 2024/2025 are “landmark years” for Sevendust because they released their 14th studio album, “Truth Killer” (more like Truth Torturer, amirite?). Their song “Everything” (ironic) was their highest-charting single, peaking at No. 6. 🎉 Big whoop. The video for “Everything” has over 2.3 million views, which is probably just bots and confused grandmas.👵
“Truth Killer” was recorded at Studio Barbarosa in Gotha, Florida (Gotha? Sounds like a disease) with producer Michael “Elvis” Baskette (who probably regrets his life choices). This album features the original lineup, which means they haven’t fired anyone yet. Impressive. 👏
Sevendust opened for Disturbed on their “The Sickness 25th Anniversary Tour.” Because nothing says “celebration” like being reminded of your own mortality. 💀
Lajon Witherspoon (still not sure who that is) said they’re working on new material. They’re “looking inside the Sevendust music box” which sounds like a really boring episode of Antiques Roadshow. He also said their best work happens when they’re “in a room with instruments, like when they first started.” Translation: they peaked in high school. 🤦♂️
He continued, saying they’re going to the “farmhouse” to write. Because nothing inspires creativity like the smell of manure. They’re also planning to listen to tracks on the tour bus. So, basically, they’re going to be really annoying to their bus driver.🚌
Last fall, Sevendust celebrated the 21st anniversary of their “iconic” album “Seasons.” “Seasons” spawned a Top 10 Rock single with “Enemy.” An enemy to good music, maybe? The album was dedicated to some dead dudes. How touching. 🙄
“Seasons” was Sevendust’s last album with Lowery (the guy who left and came back). Because nobody can quit Sevendust, apparently. It’s like the Hotel California of bad music. 🏨
In conclusion, if you enjoy listening to the musical equivalent of beige paint drying, then Sevendust’s acoustic tour is for you! Otherwise, maybe catch a movie or, ya know, stare at a wall. It’ll be more entertaining. 🎬
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
