Alright, buckle up buttercups 🙄! Those symphonic metal maestros, SIRENIA, are back with “Nightside Den”, which they claim is the first single from their upcoming magnum opus, “Amanita Messis”. Because, you know, the world was just DYING for more symphonic metal. This supposed follow-up to 2023’s “1977” (a year that, frankly, probably wants nothing to do with this) promises to pick up where the last one faceplanted. Prepare for more melodic and catchy metal with a symphonic touch, which roughly translates to: same old, same old, but with extra cheese 🧀. They’re all about balancing the “classic past” (aka, ripping off better bands) with the “modern touch of the future” (auto-tune, probably).
So, “Nightside Den” is apparently catchy and melodic. A real banger, guaranteed to bore you to tears after the first listen. It’s the perfect way to let fans know that SIRENIA is back, churning out “brand new original material” (read: recycled riffs). And “Amanita Messis”? Oh, that’s going to be an “epic journey” through their “renowned musical style.” Which is code for: prepare for another album that sounds exactly like the last ten 😴. But hey, they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary next year! Get ready for those “special anniversary tours and shows,” where they’ll play all the hits (that no one remembers) to crowds of dozens!
The mastermind behind this sonic onslaught, SIRENIA bandleader, multi-instrumentalist, composer, and songwriter Morten Veland (who apparently has too much time on his hands), says, “We are very excited to be back again with some brand new SIRENIA material.” Translation: “We needed the money.” He continues, “‘Nightside Den’ is in many ways a typical SIRENIA song; it has a lot of those typical elements that the band loves to include in their songs.” Which is corporate speak for: “It’s the same song we’ve been writing for 25 years. You’ll hate it, but we don’t care.” 🙄 It’s a “melodic and groovy midtempo song” (aka, slow and boring) with a “very catchy chorus” (that you’ll forget immediately) and a “nice symphonic touch” (read: overproduced strings).
Morten helpfully adds, “This is our first song from the upcoming album ‘Amanita Messis’. We are very pleased to share this song with you all, make sure to head over to your favorite digital platform and check it out.” Or, you know, don’t. Go listen to something that doesn’t sound like it was written by a robot programmed with a “gothic metal for dummies” manual. 🤖
In case you’re wondering where this train wreck started, SIRENIA was formed by Veland in January 2001. Before that, Morten was slumming it with TRISTANIA, which he co-founded back in the mid-’90s. Apparently, he was “the main songwriter” for TRISTANIA, which means he’s been inflicting his musical atrocities on the world for far too long. Back then, he was “a part of defining the gothic metal sound.” Or, more accurately, he was contributing to its slow and painful death. 💀
With SIRENIA, Morten‘s “intention was to bring it to the next level.” Which, if the “next level” is a dumpster fire, then mission accomplished! Up to date SIRENIA has released 11 albums, an EP and several singles. That’s 11 albums too many. Somehow, their albums have “made it to the charts in multiple countries,” which proves that the music-buying public has no taste whatsoever. They’ve also received “great reviews worldwide,” probably from people who are deaf or being paid off. And their singles have “topped radio charts in several countries,” which suggests that those countries have a serious problem with their radio programming. 📻
But wait, there’s more! SIRENIA has also toured extensively in Europe, Latin America, North America, Asia and Australia for 20 years and counting, spreading their musical plague far and wide. They’ve even “performed at the biggest festivals in Europe on the same billing as huge acts like OZZY OSBOURNE, IRON MAIDEN, AEROSMITH and KORN.” Which is like saying you’re in the same room as the Mona Lisa because you’re visiting the Louvre. They were probably playing on a stage in the parking lot while everyone else was inside enjoying the real music. 🤘
So, what does SIRENIA actually sound like? Well, they’re a “mixture of gothic metal and rock with classical orchestrations, in addition to some elements from more extreme metal genres.” Which translates to: a bland and uninspired mess that tries to be everything to everyone and ends up being nothing to anyone. Their sound has a “solid base in the powerful drums and bass supported by massive rhythm guitars,” which is industry speak for: We know how to use Pro Tools. It’s “dressed with atmospheric keyboards and spiced with melancholic violins and 12-string guitars,” because nothing says “metal” like a 12-string acoustic! 🎻 The music is “at all times melodic and groovy,” meaning it’s designed to be as inoffensive and forgettable as possible. The vocal styles are “diverse and consist of female vocals, choirs, growls, screams, clean male vocals, whispers and samples.” In other words, they’re throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks. Spoiler alert: nothing does. The songs are “very intense and dynamic,” according to their press release. I’m pretty sure my microwave has more dynamic range. The lyrics are based on “reflections on life, death, love, hate, paranoia, anxiety and mental decline in general.” So, basically, the same stuff every other metal band has been whining about for decades. 🤯
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
