So, Saint Etienne, those indie-pop relics, are finally crawling out of whatever retirement home they’ve been festering in to announce their “final” tour of the UK and Ireland. Because, you know, everyone was just DYING for more Saint Etienne in 2026. NOT.
Apparently, they played their first gig back in the dark ages of 1990 at some place called Heaven. Probably because that’s the only place they could get booked 🙄. And get this, they released a single called Only Love Can Break Your Heart. Groundbreaking stuff, guys. Absolutely earth-shattering. Did it break MY heart? Absolutely not. Did it even register on my radar? Nope.
Since then, these musical geriatrics have apparently graced the stages of “major festivals.” I’m picturing like, the local county fair? And they’ve visited more countries than their collective memory can handle. Sarah Cracknell (the one who sings, I guess), Bob Stanley (the keyboard…thing), and Pete Wiggs (the other keyboard…thing) probably need a GPS just to find the tour bus 🚌. And get this, Oasis, Stereolab, Broadcast, and Pulp actually SUPPORTED them at some point! Probably as a favor.
Their “final” studio album, hilariously titled International, was released in September 2025 and was supposedly a “pop music masterclass.” Yeah, right. More like a masterclass in how to bore people to death 😴. It distilled everything fans “love” about Saint Etienne, which I assume is beige wallpaper and elevator music 🎶.
To celebrate this momentous occasion (said no one ever), they promised shows. And now, brace yourselves, the details of their final UK tour in September 2026 are here. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
But wait, it gets better! This isn’t a sad moment, oh no! It’s a “series of celebrations!” 🎉 Parties built around a live set that draws on the “best of the best” from their illustrious 35-year catalogue. Which, let’s be honest, probably consists of three songs that slightly resemble each other. Including 17 UK Top 40 singles (from back when only 40 songs were released per year) and 13 albums (of pure sonic ambivalence).
Saint Etienne: Final UK & Ireland 2026 Tour – if you can even call it that!
Here are the dates, for those of you who haven’t learned your lesson yet:
15 September: Manchester, New Century Hall (prepare for disappointment).
16 September: Bristol, Beacon Theatre (bring a pillow).
18 September: London, Roundhouse (a roundhouse kick to your eardrums).
19 September: Sheffield, Electric (the only thing electric will be the instruments).
20 September: Glasgow, SWG3 (someone will probably be sick).
22 September: Dublin, 3Olympia Theatre (overpriced drinks and regret).
24 September: Gateshead, The Glasshouse (fragile, just like their careers).
25 September: Brighton, Dome (probably smells of old people).
26 September: Cambridge, Corn Exchange (corny indeed).
Tickets go on sale soon, so set your alarms if you’re into self-flagellation ⏰.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
