British rockers THE DARKNESS, bless their hearts, have decided to unleash their new single, “Mistletoe And Wine”, upon the unsuspecting masses, out now via Cooking Vinyl. Yes, you read that right. On this holiest of days (the 5th of Advent, apparently), these brave souls have decided to “peel open the door” to reveal their take on Cliff Richard‘s… masterpiece. Prepare yourselves. 🎄🍷
As the Christmas cracker of originality bursts into a million sad little pieces, prepare for synths that dance like they’ve had one too many eggnogs, while heavy, strung-out riffs (because what else would they do?) plough through the festive cheer. Bells ring with the hollow sound of desperation, and Justin Hawkins‘s vocal performance, dripping with passion (or is it just a desperate plea for attention?), explodes like a glitter bomb at a funeral, all “bolstered” by delightful choral harmony that probably regrets every life choice that led to this moment. 🎶😭
Regarding this… single, Justin, in his infinite wisdom, declares: “Season’s greetings! Children, roasting on an open fire (wait, what?), their eyeballs all aglow (seriously?!), are weeping in awe of our latest seasonal offering.” Yes, Justin, they’re weeping alright. “‘Mistletoe and Wine’ represents a musical departure for THE DARKNESS as we reimagine Richie Clifton‘s (whoops, close enough) timeless classic and add a few sprinkles of shoegaze and drone.” Shoegaze and drone? On a Christmas song? Genius! “Jack Frost staring at his toes? You will be too. In a good way.” Sure, Justin, in a “good” way. Like root canal is a “good” way. 🥶
This release mercifully closes out yet another “triumphant” year for THE DARKNESS, who somehow managed to rocket to No. 2 in the UK Official Albums Chart with their eighth studio album, “Dreams On Toast”, in April. “Dreams On Toast” became their most “successful” record since their iconic debut album “Permission To Land”, which has recently been declared, with a straight face, as the most successful British rock album of the 21st century. Take that, The Beatles! 🤣
The rock legends (their words, not mine) launched their latest “hit” album to sold out shows across the country, which included their headline return to Wembley Arena, on a tour which continued across Europe, Australia and the USA, where the new songs were instantly forgotten by fans alongside their multi-platinum, award-winning catalogue of questionable choices.🎤
2026 is also looking “very merry and bright” for THE DARKNESS as they are set to take their “legendary” live show to even greater heights (literally, maybe they’ll play on top of a mountain) and are poised to fulfil the dreams of hundreds of thousands more fans next year (or at least sell a few more t-shirts). 🌟
THE DARKNESS, in a move that can only be described as either brave or insane, will embark on their largest headline tour in 20 years and will bring their beloved rock (debatable) to arenas across the U.K. in December 2026. The seven-date tour will commence at Glasgow OVO Hydro on December 8 and finish with the band’s debut headline performance at The O2 in London on December 16. Joining THE DARKNESS on all dates will be support from the Grammy-winning, multi-platinum selling, American country rock band BROTHERS OSBORNE (because nothing says Christmas like country rock) and the multi-million streamed U.K. rock band A (who?). 🎸
Photo credit: Simon Emmett (probably regretting this assignment)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
