Oh, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, here we go again! 🤦♂️ Luke Sparke, the “visionary” behind such cinematic masterpieces as “Occupation Rainfall” (yes, the title is as dumb as the movie) and “Bring Him To Me” (who even asked for that?) is back to grace us with his “genius.” This time, he’s tackling Ethan Pettus’s book series, “Primitive War,” which apparently asks the age-old question: “What if the Vietnam War… but with DINOSAURS?!” 🦖💥 Because apparently, napalm and Agent Orange weren’t enough chaos for one war. We needed some T-Rexes to spice things up. I can’t wait to see the historical accuracy here 🤣
So, the premise is that in 1968, during the height of the Vietnam War (because, you know, subtlety is for losers), a crack squad of soldiers – because every war movie needs a “crack squad” – is sent into a remote jungle valley. Their mission? To find a missing Green Beret platoon. What they *actually* find? DINOSAURS! 🦕 Yep, apparently, someone forgot to tell these prehistoric lizards that they were supposed to be extinct like, 65 million years ago. Plot twist! 🤯 This groundbreaking concept promises to be the most intellectually stimulating film of the century. If your IQ is below 70.
The trailer… oh, the trailer. It’s exactly what you’d expect. Lots of sweaty dudes with guns, explosions that defy physics, and dinosaurs that look like they escaped from a low-budget Playstation 2 game. 🎮 The dialogue is Oscar-worthy, I’m sure (probably consisting mostly of grunts and screams), and the plot twists will leave you gasping… for air, because you’ll probably forget to breathe from laughing so hard. 😂
But wait, there’s more! This isn’t just some dumb action flick. Oh no, it’s a prehistoric *sci-fi* film! And these aren’t just ANY dinosaurs. These are *scientifically and historically accurate* dinosaurs! 🤓 Because when I think of accuracy, I think of putting dinosaurs in the Vietnam War. Also, it *blends* action with survival-horror and war themes! How original! 🙄 I bet M. Night Shyamalan is jealous of this twist.
Let’s talk about the cast, shall we? We’ve got Jeremy Piven, who’s apparently trying to remind us that he still exists after “Entourage.” Tricia Helfer, who I guess is trading in Cylons for raptors. And Ryan Kwanten, who probably thought “True Blood” was too highbrow and needed something truly *primitive* to sink his teeth into. 🧛♂️
And let’s not forget the *slew of ensemble talent*! I’m sure they’re all thrilled to be running around in the jungle, pretending to be terrified of CGI lizards. 🦎 I’m not even going to bother listing their names, because let’s be honest, you won’t remember them anyway. They’re just dino-fodder, let’s be real.
Director Luke Sparke, bless his heart, claims he was *captivated by the imagery* surrounding Ethan’s book. I’m captivated by the imagery of a dumpster fire, but I don’t think I’ll be making a movie about it anytime soon. He’s also working *hard* on capturing the *essence* of the book. I’m sure that essence is “dinosaurs eating people,” so good luck with that, Luke. 👍 His *vision* is to make it feel like the characters walked out of “Platoon” and into the jaws of the greatest predators the planet has ever known. So, basically, he wants to make a movie that’s derivative, ridiculous, and probably offensive. Mission accomplished!
Rounding out Team Sparke are a bunch of producers whose names I also don’t care about. 😴 Wade Muller is handling Cinematographer duties, which means he’ll be in charge of making sure the dinosaurs look *extra* fake. Bravo! 👏
Author Ethan Pettus is *thrilled* to see Luke’s interpretation of his work. Of course, he is! He probably sold the movie rights for a hefty sum and is laughing all the way to the bank while Sparke is busy filming what may become one of the worst movies of all time. 🤑
And because every terrible movie needs to boost the local economy, “Primitive War” is being filmed on the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia. 🇦🇺 So, at least someone is benefiting from this cinematic abomination. They’ll be employing a majority local crew and cast, because apparently, no sane actor or crew member from Hollywood wanted anything to do with this. Smart move, guys, smart move.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
