🚨 BREAKING: Lionsgate Announces New John Wick and Saw Games, Because Apparently We Need More Ways to Die in Virtual Reality 🚨
In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except everyone with an internet connection and a pulse), Lionsgate has officially confirmed that they are “exploring opportunities” to make more video games based on John Wick and Saw. Yes, you heard that right. The studio that brought you Keanu Reeves shooting people in slow motion and Jigsaw teaching life lessons with rusty bear traps is now venturing into the wild, unpredictable world of AAA gaming. Hold onto your DualSense controllers, folks — we’re about to enter the blood-soaked circus. 🎪🔪🎮
During their latest earnings call — which was reportedly more exciting than watching paint dry but less thrilling than a Saw trap reset animation — Lionsgate’s Chairman of the Motion Picture Group, Adam Fogelson, dropped the kind of corporate jargon that makes investors weep tears of joy. “Our AAA game opportunities and other gaming opportunities around John Wick and Saw and some others that we’ll be announcing soon, we’re seeing increased interest and increased opportunity, and we remain on schedule,” he declared with the kind of confidence usually reserved for people who’ve never actually played a video game. 💼📈
Translation: “We think video games are cool now and also very profitable, so we’re gonna try that thing where you press buttons to make digital people suffer. Please give us money.”
Now, let’s be real here. John Wick has exactly one video game to its name: John Wick Hex, a 2019 tactical RPG that was about as mainstream as a board game convention in Iceland. It featured turn-based combat, strategic planning, and the kind of patience you only have after three espressos and a minor existential crisis. It was, in short, the chess of gunfights. And then, in true Hollywood fashion, it got unceremoniously delisted in 2025 because publishing rights changed hands faster than John Wick changes suits. suit 💥♟️
Meanwhile, the Saw franchise gave us not one, but TWO games: Saw: The Video Game (2009) and Saw II: Flesh and Blood (2010). These masterpieces of interactive horror were developed by Zombie Studios — yes, that’s a real name — and published by Konami, who clearly thought, “You know what the world needs? More games where you fail a quick-time event and watch your character’s arm get ripped off by a rusty齿轮.” ⚙️😱
Critics called them “clunky,” “repetitive,” and “a traumatic experience we’d rather forget.” But hey, at least they had atmosphere. If by atmosphere you mean “the feeling that you’re being emotionally manipulated by a guy in a pig mask who won’t stop monologuing about moral decay.” 🐗🎭
So now, Lionsgate wants to try again. Because clearly, the formula for success is: take a hyper-stylized action franchise where the hero never blinks, and a horror series where everyone screams while trapped in a bathroom with a hacksaw, and smash them together with the video game industry. It’s like Marvel, but with more blood and less CGI raccoons. 🦝🩸
Will the new John Wick game finally let you shoot 87 people in a single hallway with nothing but a pencil and sheer willpower? Will the new Saw game feature a morality system where you choose between being a deranged serial killer or a deranged serial killer with better interior design skills? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: if these games come out, we’ll all be dead inside by level three. 💀💔
But seriously, Lionsgate, if you’re listening (and let’s be honest, you’re probably not, because you’re too busy counting money), here are some free ideas:
– John Wick: Dog Park Simulator — Protect your puppy at all costs. Open world. Infinite fetch missions. 10/10 would die for a corgi.
– Saw: The Escape Room Experience — Pay $60 to solve puzzles in a basement. Wait… that already exists and it’s called “real life.” 😵💫
Either way, we’re ready. Our reflexes are sharp, our fear of puppets is deep, and our wallets are slightly less empty than they were last month. Bring on the bullets, the bear traps, and the inevitable microtransactions for “Keanu’s Signature Trench Coat Skin.” We dare you. 😈🕹️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
