It’s beginning to look a lot like a bloody Christmas, thanks to Robert Eggers’ highly anticipated horror film «Nosferatu». The famed director of «The Witch», «The Lighthouse», and that historical Viking fever dream «The Northman» has critics positively swooning on Rotten Tomatoes, where the film currently boasts an eerily pristine 93 % approval rating based on 57 reviews. But don’t be fooled by the raves — there’s something suspiciously supernatural about the glowing consensus.
According to early reactions, «Nosferatu» is a cinematic triumph dripping with atmosphere, unsettling horror, and just the right amount of “eroticism” to confuse everyone at family Christmas screenings. Critics have fallen over themselves to praise the film, calling it «the ultimate Victorian mystical horror» and heaping accolades on Lily-Rose Depp and Bill Skarsgård for their captivating performances. But here’s where it gets weird: our sources have uncovered compelling evidence that these glowing reviews might not be entirely… voluntary.
Nosferatu Reviews Are In: Critics Sucked Into the Hype — Literally! 🧛♂️🍅
Yes, you read that right. According to insiders, several film critics have reported waking up with mysterious puncture wounds on their necks — classic vampire-style. Coincidentally, these same critics developed acute photophobia, an unhealthy obsession with black capes, and an uncontrollable urge to pen gushing reviews about a certain vampire-centric movie. The connection? We’re just asking questions. 🦇
The film’s central themes of death, desire, and gothic melodrama seem to have bewitched critics into claiming this is the definitive take on vampire cinema. But let’s be honest — how many of these reviewers actually understood what they were watching? Eggers is notorious for making films that demand PhDs in both existential dread and maritime superstitions. Now, he’s added vampires to the mix, because why not? Expect essays arguing that «Nosferatu» is a metaphor for capitalism, climate change, and gluten intolerance — all written by people who secretly googled «Victorian gothic» five minutes before their deadlines.
Critics Bitten — And Not Just By the Movie’s Brilliance
The plot thickens (like congealed blood in a chalice) when you consider the bizarre patterns in critical behavior. Multiple Rotten Tomatoes contributors, previously known for trashing anything artsy, have suddenly embraced Eggers’ signature style of «moody people brooding under candlelight». Are we to believe that critics who once gave Michael Bay films four stars have suddenly developed refined taste? Or have they been «persuaded» by a certain nocturnal filmmaker?
Speaking of persuasion, the much-lauded «eroticism» in «Nosferatu» has sparked some head-scratching. Critics insist that Bill Skarsgård brings a «magnetically creepy sex appeal» to the titular vampire role, which raises an important question: what is wrong with everyone? Are we now in an era where pallid, brooding men with questionable hygiene are the new romantic ideals? Edward Cullen walked so Skarsgård’s Nosferatu could slither seductively into your nightmares.
Lily-Rose Depp, meanwhile, is being hailed for her «ethereal, haunting beauty», which essentially means she mastered the art of looking sad in dim lighting. If that’s the bar for acting accolades, we might as well give Oscars to every goth teenager sulking in a Hot Topic.
Nosferatu Fever: The Gothification of Christmas
As this gothic spectacle prepares to haunt theaters during the season of joy, one can’t help but marvel at Eggers’ genius timing. Nothing says «holiday spirit» like a brooding Victorian vampire sucking the life out of unsuspecting peasants — or in this case, film critics. «Nosferatu» is poised to redefine Christmas traditions, and we eagerly await Hallmark’s counterprogramming: «A Very Vampire Christmas», where Nosferatu learns the true meaning of love by sharing a blood pudding with a small-town barista.
NOSFERATU (2024)
— 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐯𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 🪦 (@horrorsthetics) November 27, 2024
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For those who think Eggers’ work might be too heavy for holiday viewing, fear not! Early screenings have promised that while the film is laden with dread, despair, and unnervingly erotic neck-biting, it’s still fun for the whole family. (Assuming your family includes goth cousins who drink absinthe and refer to Santa as «the capitalist overlord of cheer».)
So, as we prepare for what critics are calling a «horror feast» this Christmas, we suggest you take their rave reviews with a grain of salt — and maybe a clove of garlic. Because whether you love or loathe gothic melodrama, one thing’s for sure: «Nosferatu» is bound to leave a mark, on critics and audiences alike. 🧛♂️🩸
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
