Nineveh Promises To Repent As Soon As This Prophet Who Smells Like Whale Barf Leaves Town
NINEVEH — After a surprise visit from an Israelite prophet who inexplicably reeks of whale vomit, local residents have agreed…
Month: February 2025
Object Left On Stairs Begins Weeks-Long Migration To Bedroom
EDINA, MN — In one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to mankind, some objects left on the stairs…
Facebook Memories Remind Man Of His Embarrassing Libertarian Phase
PLANO, TX — It was a rough day for Jaxon Creed when he decided to login to Facebook and was…
Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating Second Breakfast
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The new administration continued to usher in a modern golden age for America, as President Donald Trump…
Venomous Snake Found In Bananas At New Hampshire Grocery Store
Read MoreThe OnionAn Ornate cat-eyed snake was found hiding in a bunch of bananas at a New Hampshire grocery store,…
‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit
Read MoreThe OnionFOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local…
⚔️ Avowed Now Auto-Installs with Windows – and You Can’t Remove It! 💸
Microsoft and Obsidian Entertainment have come up with a bold and innovative way to boost interest in their ambitious new…
Scotland Frees Hundreds Of Inmates To Ease Overcrowding
Read MoreThe OnionHundreds of prisoners will be freed in Scotland as part of a broader emergency response to ease the…
‘I Have A Name,’ Sighs Man Known As Ethiopian Eunuch
ETHIOPIA — The man who became a Christian through the miraculous witness of the Apostle Philip was disappointed to learn…
Christian Couple Praying Their Kid Throws Up So They Can Avoid Hosting Small Group Tonight
TULSA, OK — Local couple Mark and Ellen Lindell prayed fervently today for their three-year-old to vomit so that they…