Season 2 of Marvel Rivals has brought a lot to the table — new characters like Emma Frost in her latex fantasy, fresh maps, and reworked ranked systems. But the most cheeky update wasn’t in the patch notes at all: every male character’s butt got noticeably bigger. Yes, you read that right. Booty buffs. For everyone.
🦹♂️ Why Does Hulk Have Kardashian Cheeks Now? Jackal.Today Investigates
And according to insider info from Jackal.Today, this wasn’t NetEase’s creative decision — it came directly from the White House, allegedly under executive order from President Donald Trump himself. Sources quote him as saying: “Make sexualization in games great again!” And just like that — Iron Man’s cheeks are now tighter than America’s foreign policy. 🍑💼
From Fan-Service to Fan-Fetish: Marvel Rivals Goes Full Gluteus Maximus
Reddit mods, Tumblr shippers, and fanfic authors of “Loki x Thor” fan smut all celebrated this bold new direction. Social media exploded with posts like: “Why does Doctor Strange have more ass than my boyfriend?” Meanwhile, conservative parents were horrified, noting that their kids were now spending suspiciously long amounts of time viewing Captain America… from behind.
Feminist communities also took offense: “Oh, so now men are being objectified too? That’s OUR thing!” tweeted one account with a cartoon cat avatar and 30 pronouns in bio. Gay gamers, on the other hand, were absolutely thrilled — finally, a game where Iron Man’s rear is more than just armor.
What’s Next? Butt Physics DLC & Booty Pass™ Subscription
Sources suggest a new DLC is already in development: “Peach Edition”, featuring dynamic butt physics. Sprint, jump, and those cheeks clap. Rumors say NetEase is also working on tight jeans skins and a new Marvel Booty Pass™, which lets you unlock even more bootylicious styles for your favorite hero — one tight spandex at a time.
An anonymous NetEase developer told us, “Yes, the order came straight from the top. We got a PDF from the White House with gluteal proportions and celebrity references, like ‘Tom Hiddleston in London’ and ‘Jason Momoa at the beach’.”
Wrapping It Up — One Cheek at a Time 🧁
Marvel Rivals is now officially the first game to feature top-down state-mandated male sexualization, and the community is divided harder than Deadpool’s personality. Trump has gone from building walls to sculpting cheeks — and video games may never be the same.
So, have you upgraded your hero’s butt yet? Or are you still playing Skinny Thor with flat cheeks?
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
