Oh, HONEY, A24 just dropped a trailer for Ari Aster’s “Eddington,” and it’s like, SO deep and meaningful. I mean, Joaquin Phoenix, Pedro Pascal, and Emma Stone? Groundbreaking. 🙄 Probably another three-hour descent into existential dread punctuated by screaming and interpretive dance. Because THAT’S what we all needed, another reminder of how much Ari Aster LOVES to make us feel uncomfortable.
So, Ari Aster, the guy who brought you such cinematic masterpieces as “Hereditary” (trauma with a side of demonic possession) and “Beau is Afraid” (a three-hour panic attack disguised as a movie), is back at it again. This time, he’s graced us with “Eddington,” a film that, judging by the trailer, is going to be a *delightful* exploration of… something. Probably something awful. Maybe it’s about a small town overrun by sentient squirrels with a penchant for existential philosophy? Who knows! With Aster, the possibilities for cinematic torture are endless! 🐿️
The trailer, in all its glory, features Joaquin Phoenix looking suitably tortured (shocker!), Pedro Pascal radiating smoldering intensity (double shocker!), and Emma Stone… well, she’s probably screaming. Or staring blankly. Or both. It’s an Ari Aster movie, people. What did you expect? Rainbows and sunshine? 🌈
The synopsis is probably something cryptic like, “A couple ventures into the heartland of America and discovers that the true horror lies within themselves… and maybe also a cult of cannibalistic cowboys.” Or maybe it’s just about gentrification gone wrong. Who knows! It’s A24, so expect lots of pretentious symbolism and a soundtrack that will make your teeth ache. 🦷
I’m sure “Eddington” will be praised by critics for its “bold vision” and “unflinching exploration of the human condition.” Meanwhile, the rest of us will be hiding behind our popcorn, wondering why we paid $20 to watch Joaquin Phoenix have a nervous breakdown in a field. 🍿
But hey, at least it’s something to talk about, right? I can already see the think pieces flooding the internet: “Eddington: A Post-Modern Deconstruction of the American Dream,” “Is Ari Aster the Savior of Horror or Just a Really Good Troll?” “Five Reasons Why You Should Bring a Therapist to See Eddington.” 🧠
And let’s be real, we’ll all go see it. We’ll complain about it. We’ll argue about it on Twitter. And then we’ll eagerly await Ari Aster’s next cinematic descent into madness. Because, deep down, we all secretly enjoy being emotionally traumatized by art. Or maybe we’re just masochists. 🤔
So, buckle up, butter your popcorn (you’ll need the comfort food), and prepare to have your soul thoroughly cleansed by the cinematic brilliance (or utter garbage) that is “Eddington.” Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. ⚠️
P.S. I’m already taking bets on how many walkouts there will be during the premiere. I’m going with at least 25%. Anyone want to take the over/under? 💰
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
