So, EA’s *Skate* is back, baby! 🎉 And by “back,” we mean back to nickel-and-diming you into oblivion with a “free-to-play” model that requires you to sell your soul (and your grandma’s prized porcelain doll collection) for a decent pair of virtual skate shoes. Oh, and guess what? No offline play! Because, you know, EA knows what’s best for you, peasant. 🙄
Full Circle, the valiant (read: slightly unhinged) developers behind this monstrosity, have graced us with a blog post, “The Grind,” which is ironic because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing to your bank account. Volume 1 is out, and it’s a masterclass in corporate doublespeak and blatant disregard for the very fans who made *Skate* a legend.
Remember that September 2024 playtest? The one where players were bombarded with more microtransactions than actual skateboarding? Yeah, that was totally intentional, guys! Full Circle assures us that using *real money* in a playtest is “the best way to properly assess and adjust the system.” Translation: “We want to see how much we can squeeze out of you before you start rioting.” And don’t worry, your hard-earned (or, more likely, mom’s credit card) cash will be converted into “San Van Bucks” (SVB) for the Early Access launch! Because nothing says “trustworthy business practice” like inventing a fake currency. 💰💰💰
But the real kicker? No offline mode! Full Circle explains that *Skate* is a “living, breathing massively multiplayer skateboarding sandbox that is always online and always evolving.” Translation: “We need to constantly monitor your every move, track your spending habits, and bombard you with targeted ads.” And let’s not forget the “bigger things evolve, like changes to the city over time, as well as smaller things, like live events and other in-game activities.” Translation: “We’re going to constantly tweak the game to keep you hooked and spending money, and we’ll throw in some limited-time events to create a sense of FOMO.”
So, there you have it, folks. EA’s *Skate* is shaping up to be the ultimate pay-to-win, always-online, soul-crushing experience. Get ready to sell your kidneys for a decent ollie. 🛹🔥💯
Seriously though, who asked for this? The original *Skate* games were beloved for their realistic physics, innovative controls, and sense of freedom. Now, we’re getting a watered-down, microtransaction-riddled, always-online mess that’s designed to extract as much money as possible from its players. It’s like they actively want to destroy the legacy of the franchise. 🤦♀️
And the worst part is, people will still buy it! They’ll fall for the nostalgia bait, the promises of “endless customization,” and the allure of competing with other players online. They’ll hand over their wallets willingly, and EA will laugh all the way to the bank. 💸
So, congratulations, EA. You’ve successfully turned a beloved skateboarding franchise into a dystopian nightmare. You’ve proven that greed knows no bounds, and that you’re willing to sacrifice quality and player enjoyment for the sake of maximizing profits. Bravo! 👏
But hey, at least the graphics look pretty, right? 🤩 (Said no one ever).
In conclusion, if you’re looking for a genuine skateboarding experience, stick with the original *Skate* games. Or, you know, go outside and actually skateboard. It’s free, it’s fun, and you won’t have to sell your soul to EA. 🤙
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
