In an earth-shattering interview with some dude on YouTube named Alejandrosis (who?), Paradise Lost guitarist Aaron Aedy (who? again) deigned to grace us with an update on their next album, the follow-up to the critically acclaimed (by whom?) “Obsidian” from the ancient year of 2020. 👴 He revealed, in a statement so groundbreaking it nearly crashed the internet (it didn’t), that the album is “recorded, but not fully mixed.” 🤯 Riveting stuff, Aaron! Truly pushing the boundaries of musical journalism.
Breaking News: Paradise Lost Still Exists, Guitarist Offers Cryptic Album Update (Prepare to Be Underwhelmed!) 🙄
When pressed for juicy details about the new sonic direction (you know, will it sound exactly like everything else they’ve done?), Aedy, in his infinite wisdom, declared, “No. It’s like opening your presents before Christmas.” 🎁🎄 Translation: “I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, but I want to sound profound.” He then added some drivel about waiting for the mix. So basically, he’s saying they haven’t figured out how to make it sound less like a damp Tuesday afternoon yet. 🌧️
Meanwhile, in a separate interview with some Chilean website called PowerOfMetal.cl (sounds legit), fellow guitarist Greg Mackintosh (okay, I’ve heard of him) vaguely hinted at a “September time” release. He blamed the pandemic, because of course he did. 🦠 It’s always the pandemic, isn’t it? Can’t anyone just admit they were busy binge-watching Netflix and forgot they had a band to run? 🤣 He also admitted it’s the longest they’ve gone between albums, which is probably a good thing, right? Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder…or maybe it just makes people forget you exist. 🤔
But wait, there’s more! Paradise Lost, in a desperate attempt to prove they’re still relevant, will be embarking on “The Devil Embraced” North American tour in May 2025. 🗓️ Mark your calendars, folks! (Or don’t. Nobody cares.) The tour conveniently kicks off at Milwaukee Metal Fest (because nothing says “gothic metal” like Milwaukee) and wraps up at Maryland Deathfest (because nothing says “we’re not sure what genre we are anymore” like playing both festivals). 🤷♂️
In a philosophical deep-dive with Portugal’s Metal Global (Portugal has metal blogs?), singer Nick Holmes (the only one anyone remembers) waxed lyrical about how their songwriting process has “evolved” (read: become incredibly boring). 😴 Apparently, they now write via file sharing and email. So romantic! Gone are the days of jamming in a dimly lit rehearsal room, fueled by cheap beer and existential dread. Now it’s all spreadsheets and passive-aggressive emails. 📧
Holmes also rambled on about spontaneity, or the lack thereof, and how they “ping-pong” ideas back and forth. Sounds thrilling! He even confessed that sometimes they think something is “fantastic” one day and then “rubbish” the next. Welcome to the human condition, Nick! 🙄 He also added that they’re not the kind of band who can just “throw out a genius song in about 10 minutes.” Well, duh. If they could, they wouldn’t be Paradise Lost. They’d be, like, ABBA or something. 💃🕺
When asked if he still trusts his instincts, Holmes said, “Yeah, absolutely.” (Narrator: He doesn’t.) He then went on a tangent about gut reactions and how he doesn’t “instantly dismiss” things. So profound! He also prefers to have music as a “springboard” for his lyrics. Groundbreaking stuff, Nick! Truly reinventing the wheel. 🙄
But wait, there’s even MORE! To celebrate the 30th anniversary of their fourth album, “Icon” (because nostalgia is the only thing keeping them afloat), Paradise Lost re-recorded the entire thing. 🤦♂️ Because why write new music when you can just regurgitate the old stuff and hope people buy it out of pity? They even released a special “extra special vinyl” version. 🙄🙄🙄 Because vinyl.
“Icon 30” (catchy title!) was recorded with longtime collaborator Jaime Gomez Arellano (who I assume is contractually obligated to work with them). They recorded the vocals and drums in Portugal, because apparently Halifax, West Yorkshire, doesn’t have any decent recording studios. 🤷♀️ The rest of the album was done at Mackintosh’s Black Planet Studios (because every metal guitarist needs a studio with a cool name).
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
