OMG! 😱 Xbox Game Pass is blessing us with *more* games in May? As if we needed MORE reasons to avoid showering and interacting with real humans! Seriously, who needs sunshine when you’ve got DOOM: The Dark Ages coming to your screen? Get ready to say goodbye to your social life, folks! 👋
So, apparently, Rockstar Games is still milking GTA 6 for every last drop of hype, even though it’s been delayed AGAIN. 🙄 Classic Rockstar. Meanwhile, Xbox Game Pass is trying to distract us from the wait with… *checks notes* …more games! Because that’s *totally* going to make up for the fact that we’re all going to be geriatric by the time GTA 6 actually releases. But hey, at least we’ll have something to play while we’re waiting in our rocking chairs! 👵🎮
This month’s “big” additions include *DOOM: The Dark Ages* (because who doesn’t love a little demon-slaying?) and *Dredge* (because fishing is cool, right? …Right?). I mean, I guess it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing. Me? I’ll be over here, complaining about the lack of decent RPGs and plotting my revenge on the person who decided that *Farming Simulator 2025* wasn’t Game Pass material. 😠
But wait, there’s MORE! Here’s the full list of games you’ll probably download and then forget about after five minutes:
- Available Today – Dredge (Cloud, PC and Xbox Series S/X) – Because who needs sleep when you can catch virtual fish? 😴🎣
- May 7 – Dungeons of Hinterberg (Console) – Now with Game Pass Standard – Sounds… interesting? Probably another indie game I’ll pretend to be excited about. 😐
- May 7 – Flintlock: The Siege of Dawn (Xbox Series X|S) – Now with Game Pass Standard – Because we need more games with “Siege” in the title. 🙄
- May 7 – Metal Slug Tactics (Console) – Now with Game Pass Standard – Okay, this one actually sounds kinda cool. But I’ll probably still just play *DOOM*. 🤷♂️
- May 7 – Dragon Ball Xenoverse 2 (Cloud, Console, and PC) – May 7 – Because who doesn’t love screaming Saiyans? 🐉
- May 8 – Revenge of the Savage Planet (Cloud, PC, and Xbox Series X|S) – I’m sensing a theme here. Lots of “revenge” and “siege.” Are we okay, Xbox? 🤔
- May 8 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutants Unleashed (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Cowabunga, dude! 🍕🐢 (Said no one over the age of 12).
- May 13 – Warhammer: Vermintide 2 (Cloud and Console) – For when you want to smash hordes of rats with your friends. Or alone. No judgment. 🐀🔨
- May 15 – DOOM: The Dark Ages (Cloud, PC, and Xbox Series X|S) – Okay, NOW we’re talking. Rip and tear, until it is done! 🤘😈
- May 16 – Kulebra and the Souls of Limbo (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Sounds… artsy? Probably another one I’ll skip. 🎨
- May 20 – Firefighting Simulator: The Squad (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Finally, a game where I can live out my dream of being a virtual firefighter! 🔥🚒 (Just kidding. I’ll stick to *DOOM*).
- May 20 – Police Simulator: Patrol Officers (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Because who doesn’t love issuing virtual speeding tickets? 👮♂️🚗 (Still kidding. *DOOM* all the way!).
And, as always, some games are being cruelly ripped from our digital grasp. It’s like they *want* us to feel pain! 😭 Here’s what’s getting the boot on May 15th:
- Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons* (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Aww, a feels trip leaving Game Pass.
- Chants of Sennaar (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Okay, I actually haven’t even heard of this one. 🤫
- Dune: Spice Wars (Game Preview) (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Guess we’ll have to find our spice somewhere else. 🌶️
- Hauntii (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Spooky season is over, I guess. 👻
- The Big Con (Cloud, Console, and PC) – Guess the con is over. 💸
So there you have it, folks. Another month, another batch of games to distract us from the crushing reality of existence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some demons to slay. 😈🎮
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
