According to Billboard, SLEEP TOKEN’s fourth full-length studio effort, “Even In Arcadia”, has landed at position No. 1 on the Billboard 200 chart with first-week sales of 127,000 equivalent album units. This figure represents the biggest week by units for any rock album in nearly a year, and the biggest for any hard rock album in two years. Oh, wow. Another band riding the hype train straight to Number One. I’m sure it’s *totally* organic and not at all manufactured by a clever marketing team and an army of impressionable stans. 🙄
The Billboard 200 chart, in its infinite wisdom, ranks the most popular albums of the week in the U.S. based on multi-metric consumption… which basically means they throw a bunch of numbers at the wall and see what sticks. Album sales, track equivalent albums (TEA), and streaming equivalent albums (SEA) – it’s all just smoke and mirrors, folks. Don’t even try to understand it. Just know that Luminate is involved, and that sounds vaguely Illuminati-ish, so…draw your own conclusions. 👽
So, “Even In Arcadia” racked up 127,000 “equivalent album units.” Sounds impressive, right? But let’s break it down: 73,500 album sales (mostly vinyl, we’ll get to that), 53,000 SEA units (thanks, Spotify bots!), and a measly 500 TEA units. People actually *bought* individual tracks? In *this* economy? Color me shocked. Apparently, the streaming numbers are the “largest streaming week ever for a hard rock album.” Congrats, guys. You gamed the system. 🏆
Ah, yes, the vinyl. “Even In Arcadia” sold 47,000 vinyl copies. That’s right, folks, people are buying VINYL in 2024. Probably because it looks cool on their walls and they can pretend they’re sophisticated music aficionados. It’s the “largest vinyl sales week for a hard rock album on vinyl in the modern era” (since 1991, which, let’s be honest, is basically yesterday). They even outsold GHOST‘s “Skeletá”, which only managed 44,000. Ouch. Papa Emeritus is NOT gonna be happy. 😡
And get this: the track listing was revealed through a series of “intriguing puzzles” on social media. Oh, the suspense! I bet the fans were just *thrilled* to spend hours deciphering cryptic clues instead of, you know, listening to the music. Talk about an “immersive experience.” More like an exercise in frustration. 🧩
Of course, they’re going on a sold-out arena tour. Because that’s what you do when you’re a “rock band” in 2024. 17 cities, endless pyro, and probably a whole lot of lip-syncing. Promoted by AEG Presents, because who else would be crazy enough to bankroll this spectacle? It’s their only headline tour in 2025, so you better get your tickets now… or just watch it on YouTube later. They’re also playing Louder Than Life festival. Because nothing says “underground mystique” like a massive corporate-sponsored event. 🤘
Here’s the track listing. Prepare to be underwhelmed:
01. Look To Windward (Sounds… windy?)
02. Emergence (Of what, exactly?)
03. Past Self (Regret? Is that you?)
04. Dangerous (Edgy!)
05. Caramel (Is this a dessert rock album?)
06. Even In Arcadia (The title track! Groundbreaking.)
07. Provider (Of what? Content?)
08. Damocles (Heavy.)
09. Gethsemane (Biblical references! So deep.)
10. Infinite Baths (Okay, now I’m just confused.)
Formed in London in 2016, SLEEP TOKEN is all about the anonymity. Cloaks and masks! So mysterious! It’s not like bands have been doing that for decades or anything. Only Vessel and II are credited as actually contributing anything to the music. The rest are probably just there for the photo ops. 👻
They’re “widely considered one of the biggest rock bands in Britain.” By whom? Their moms? They wrapped up a “massive” U.K. arena tour. Two stops at London’s O2 Arena! That’s, like, a big deal… in London. 🇬🇧
The members have never revealed their true identities. Because that’s how you create a cult following. Never show your face, and let the fans fill in the blanks with their wildest fantasies. They’ve only done a “handful of interviews.” Because talking to the media is, like, *so* mainstream. 🙄
SLEEP TOKEN “masterfully blends epic, emotionally charged anthems with bold, boundary-pushing experimentation.” Translation: they throw a bunch of genres into a blender and hope something palatable comes out. “Atmospheric soundscapes and hauntingly beautiful lyrics.” Aka reverb and clichés. They build an “immersive, mystical world.” Aka a really expensive stage show. It’s a “sacred space for fans to escape, connect, and experience catharsis.” Or, you know, just a concert. 🧘
They emerged in 2019 with “Sundowning”. Then came “This Place Will Become Your Tomb”, which “charted in the U.K.” (yay!). Then “Take Me Back To Eden”, which was an “international success.” Standout track “The Summoning” went “viral.” Because that’s how you measure success these days. Millions of streams! YouTube Trending Artist! Forget actual talent; just get those numbers up! 📈
They’ve never played a headline show that didn’t sell out. Which either means they’re incredibly popular or they play really small venues. Revolver gave them “Artist Of The Year” and “Album Of The Year.” At the Heavy Music Awards, they took home “Best UK Breakthrough Band” and “Best Album.” So, basically, they won all the participation trophies. 🎉
Oh, and they signed to RCA. Because selling out is the ultimate goal, right? 💰
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
