So, Dave Mustaine, bless his pointy-guitar-loving heart, did another interview. This time, with some ex-Navy SEAL/CIA dude, because, you know, metal and covert ops go hand in hand. 🙄 Anyway, Dave rehashed the same old Metallica story. Again. Seriously, does this guy have anything else to talk about? Did he even invent the internet?
Apparently, Dave joined Metallica because he answered an ad in The Recycler. The Recycler! Can you imagine the biggest band in the world advertising in a glorified garage sale flyer? 😂 Dave bonded with Lars over Budgie, because apparently being a metalhead is all about knowing obscure Welsh bands. Who knew? Maybe I should start listening to more yodeling to impress my metalhead friends. 🤔
Dave then goes on to tell a heartwarming tale about how his mom was a maid in Lars’s fancy-pants complex. Awww, isn’t that precious? Two sides of the same coin, indeed. More like two sides of a really shiny, overproduced coin. 🪙 He then proceeds to claim that “Hit The Lights” was actually written by some guy named Lloyd Grant, and that he, Dave Mustaine, was the one who suggested more lead solos. Because of course he did. Dave’s ego could fill a stadium. 🏟️
He just knew he’d get the gig, because, well, he’s Dave Mustaine. “There weren’t very many guitar players like me around at the time.” Yeah, Dave, we get it. You’re a guitar god. A very opinionated, slightly bitter guitar god. 🎸
Being in Metallica was his destiny, apparently. And when there was trouble, Dave was the one who handled it. Because James was too peaceful and Lars was too busy being a “devil.” Dave, the metalhead bodyguard. I can see the movie poster now. 🎬 He even had to collect the money from the shady club owners. What a hero! 💪
Then comes the infamous cross-country trip that led to Dave’s firing. A car crash in the snow, which was totally not Dave’s fault, because Lars was the only one who knew how to drive in snow. ❄️ And Dave saved Mark Whitaker’s life! So basically, Metallica owes him everything. They should probably erect a statue in his honor. 🗽
But of course, the real reason Dave got fired was because he was too violent. Not because they were all raging alcoholics. Oh no, it was just Dave. 😇 He even beat up some guy for beating up a girl, because he’s a “champion for justice.” And James, the pacifist, was yelling “Kill him, kill him, kill him!” 😂
And then there’s the story about Dave punching James for kicking his puppy. Because that’s totally a reasonable response. 🐶 I mean, who wouldn’t punch someone for kicking a puppy? (Don’t answer that). And then he hip-tossed Ron into his television set. What a legend! 📺
After getting “axed,” Dave went home and started Megadeth, because revenge is a dish best served with shredding guitars and angry lyrics. 😈 And of course, Metallica stole all his riffs. “Ride The Lightning,” “The Call Of Ktulu,” “Phantom Lord,” “Metal Militia,” “Jump In The Fire,” “The Four Horsemen”… all Dave’s! Every single one! 😡 And Kirk Hammett can only try to copy his solos. Pathetic! 🤣
But hey, at least Dave doesn’t say he quit. Because he wants everyone to know he was unfairly dismissed. And he doesn’t give a shit if Megadeth isn’t as big as Metallica. Except he totally does. 😒 He even brings up the whole “Enter Sandman” vs. Excel thing, because, you know, plagiarism! 🚨
And now, the million-dollar question: would Dave ever collaborate with James again? Maybe, if they can agree on who wrote what. But Lars is probably going to want credit for everything, because he’s Lars. 🙄 And Dave isn’t going to let that happen, because he’s Dave. The end. 🎬
Lars is a great song arranger. And believe it or not, I watched him on a piece-of-shit acoustic guitar write the opening riff to ‘Master Of Puppets’. You know what that was? It was a guy with a guitar that doesn’t know how to play, and he’s going [mimics playing a chromatic run] on the neck. It wasn’t anything really mind-blowing by any means. The way James played it made it mind-blowing.”
In conclusion, Dave Mustaine is a gift that keeps on giving. A gift of ego, bitterness, and questionable stories. But hey, at least he’s entertaining. 🤪 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to some Budgie and contemplate my own metal destiny. 🤘
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
