So, apparently, Ozzy Osbourne, that bat-biting legend (or should we say, legend in his own mind? 🤔), is planning a “final” performance. Yes, you read that right. Final…again. On SiriusXM‘s Ozzy Speaks, Ozzy and his buddy Billy Morrison yapped about this grand farewell gig in Birmingham, England. Expect tales, tunes, and maybe even a glimpse of Ozzy‘s “health update,” which is probably just an excuse to sell more merch. 🙄
Oh, the drama! Ozzy hasn’t graced a stage since 2018, citing “extensive spinal surgery” and a Parkinson’s diagnosis. Translation: he’s been binge-watching reality TV and ordering takeout. 🍕 But fear not, he’s “gonna make it” to Villa Park. By hook or by crook? More like by a team of physical therapists and a hefty dose of denial. 🤣
He’s got a “trainer guy” helping him get back to “normal.” Good luck with that, buddy. Normal left the building decades ago. This trainer is “convinced he can pull it off.” Bless his heart. 😇Ozzy claims he’s “giving it everything he’s got.” Which probably means he’s yelling at the TV while trying to lift a dumbbell. 💪
Is he stressing about it? Of course! He’s Ozzy Osbourne! He’s contractually obligated to be a walking anxiety attack. If he starts obsessing, he’ll be “insane by Friday.” As opposed to what he is now? Groundbreaking. 🤯 He’s taking it “one day at a time.” Which, for Ozzy, probably involves forgetting what day it is and wandering around the house in his pajamas. 😴
He’s giving 120%! Which is mathematically impossible, but hey, we’re talking about Ozzy here. If his “God” wants him to do the show, he’ll do it. So, basically, it’s up to a higher power to decide if Ozzy can make it through a set without falling off the stage. 🙏
The “last-ever” performance (yeah, right) is happening on July 5th, featuring a BLACK SABBATH reunion! Original members! For the first time in 20 years! Except they’ve totally reunited a bunch of times since then. 🙄 Joining them will be a bunch of bands SABBATH “inspired,” including METALLICA, SLAYER, LAMB OF GOD, MASTODON, PANTERA, and ANTHRAX. Because nothing says “farewell” like a metal mosh pit. 🤘
It’s “all the people that we’ve influenced over the years,” says Ozzy. When told he’s influenced these bands, Ozzy‘s all, “I think you’re just saying that.” Oh, come on, Ozzy, just take the compliment! He’s “very self-critical about people’s adoration.” Translation: he secretly loves it but pretends to be humble. 😂 He’s “not good at accepting.” We know, Ozzy, we know.
His son Jack said, “Well, you’ve done it now.” And Ozzy‘s all, “No, I haven’t! I wanna make more music!” Because retirement is for squares. 🤓 He wants to milk this cow until it’s drier than the Sahara Desert.
Morrison commended Ozzy for appreciating his effect on the rock world. Ozzy remembers a guy saying SABBATH was the soundtrack of his life. Then he met Paul McCartney and nearly “fucking dropped dead.” A kid said meeting Ozzy was the same experience. Because, you know, Ozzy is totally on par with a Beatle. 😇
He told The Guardian he’ll “do the best I can. So all I can do is turn up.” Which is the bare minimum, Ozzy. Bare. Minimum. 🤏
He wakes up and “something else has gone wrong.” Welcome to being over 70, Ozzy! He thinks “this is never going to end.” Correct. Your health issues will be a gift that keeps on giving… to the tabloids. 📰
The SABBATH reunion was Sharon‘s idea, to “give me a reason to get up in the morning.” Because apparently, fame, fortune, and a lifetime of rock ‘n’ roll debauchery aren’t enough. 🤷♀️
He does weights, bike riding, and has a live-in trainer. It’s “tough” because he’s been “laid up for such a long time.” He’s lost his strength and is “starting all over again.” Cue the Rocky montage! 🎶 He’s got a vocal coach four days a week. Because yelling “SHARRROOOON!” doesn’t count as practice. 🗣️ He has problems walking and blood pressure issues. Basically, he’s a walking medical textbook. 📚
He’s used to doing two hours on stage, jumping and running around. He “won’t be doing much jumping or running around this time.” He “may be sitting down.” Which is probably for the best. We don’t want a repeat of that fall. 🤕
They’re “only playing a couple of songs each.” He doesn’t want people thinking they’re “getting ripped off.” It’s just going to be a “sample.” You’ll get a few songs each by Ozzy and SABBATH. Because, you know, your money isn’t worth a full concert. 💸
Sharon told The Sun that Ozzy is struggling to walk but his voice is “as good as ever.” Sure, Sharon. Sure. 🙄 He’s “very happy to be coming back and very emotional about this.” Probably because he’s realized he needs the money. 💰
Parkinson’s is a “progressive disease” affecting his legs. But his voice is “as good as it’s ever been.” We’ll believe it when we hear it, Sharon. Prove it! 🎤
He’s in “heavy training” for the concert. It’s been seven years since he played a full concert. It’s “like starting from scratch.” Which is probably how his body feels every morning. 💀
He’s doing “two sets of three-minute walks a day and weight training.” Three minutes? That’s adorable. 🥰 He’s “waking up in my body.” Three minutes is nothing to you, but he’s been “laying on my back recovering from umpteen surgeries.” Poor baby. 🥺
He’s “not planning on doing a set with BLACK SABBATH but I am doing little bits and pieces with them.” He’s “doing what I can, where I feel comfortable.” Which probably means he’ll sing a few lines and then take a nap. 😴
He’s “trying to get back on my feet.” He has to “balance myself.” But he’s “not dead.” He’s “still actively doing things.” Like ordering room service and complaining about his back. 😫
He’s “made it to 2025.” He “can’t walk.” But he’s “still alive.” He may be moaning, but there are people who “didn’t do half as much as me and didn’t make it.” So, basically, he’s saying he’s better than dead people. 💀
Proceeds from the show will support charities. Because nothing says “rock ‘n’ roll” like philanthropy. 😇
It’s the first time the original lineup has played together in 20 years. Except, you know…they haven’t. 🤥
Sharon says he’s “doing great.” He’s “excited about being with the guys again and all his friends.” It’s “exciting for everyone.” Except maybe his physical therapist. 😅
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
