OMG 😱, you guys, like, GWAR, those totally underground 🙄 shock rockers, are doing this thing called “The Return of Gor Gor Tour”. I know, right? Groundbreaking. It’s hitting North America 🍁, starting October 18 in Salt Lake City 🧂. And get this, HELMET, THE DWARVES, and BLOOD VULTURE are opening. Because, like, who wouldn’t want to see that? It’s supposed to be GWAR‘s 40th anniversary 🥳, and they’re bringing back their crack-addicted 🦖 dinosaur, Gor Gor. Yes, you read that right. Crack. Addicted. Dinosaur. They’re also releasing this multimedia 💿 thing called “The Return Of Gor Gor” on July 25 via Pit Records/Z2 Comics. I’m sure it’ll be super deep and meaningful. 🤔
GWAR‘s Blöthar The Berserker (lol, Berserker 😂) said this about “The Return of Gor Gor Tour”: “Gor Gor demands sacrifice! The Tyrant Teen is all grown up and he wants love! Don’t look him in the eye!! The beast demands a bride! Come in your bridal finery. An ocean of chiffon to satisfy the bloodlust of the great lizard!” Like, okay, dude. Calm down. 🙄 Who even talks like that? Bloodlust and chiffon? Seriously? 🤣
Tickets go on sale June 27 at 10 a.m. local time. Presales are happening today. Because everyone is just dying to see this. 🙄
Here’s the tour schedule. Get ready to be underwhelmed.😴
Oct. 18 – Salt Lake City, UT @ Complex (complex, indeed 😒)
Oct. 20 – Tempe, AZ @ Marquee Theatre (marquee? More like mediocre 🙄)
Oct. 22 – Las Vegas, NV @ Brooklyn Bowl Las Vegas (bowling? Seriously? 🎳)
Oct. 23 – Anaheim, CA @ House of Blues (more like House of Snooze 😴)
Oct. 24 – Reno, NV @ Virginia Street Brewhouse (brewhouse? Are we here for beer or a concert? 🍺)
Oct. 25 – Berkeley, CA @ The UC Theatre (UC? More like U See nothing special 🙄)
Oct. 26 – Bend, OR @ Midtown Ballroom (ballroom? Are they waltzing with Gor Gor? 💃🦖)
Oct. 27 – Seattle, WA @ Showbox Sodo (showbox? More like no-show 🙅♀️)
Oct. 29 – Vancouver, BC @ Vogue Theatre (vogue? Is Gor Gor going to be on the cover? 💅)
Oct. 30 – Penticton, BC @ Penticton Trade & Convention Centre (trade and convention? Sounds thrilling 😐)
Oct. 31 – Calgary, AB @ MacEwan Hall (MacEwan? Sounds like a sandwich 🥪)
Nov. 01 – Edmonton, AB @ Fan Park @ Ice District (ice district? Is Gor Gor going ice skating? ⛸️)
Nov. 03 – Spokane, WA @ Knitting Factory (knitting factory? Are they making Gor Gor a sweater? 🧶)
Nov. 05 – Denver, CO @ Summit (summit? More like bottom of the barrel 🗑️)
Nov. 06 – Lincoln, NE @ Bourbon Theatre (bourbon? Maybe that’s the only way to enjoy this show 🥃)
Nov. 08 – San Antonio, TX @ Vibes Event Center (vibes? More like bad vibes 🙅♂️)
Nov. 09 – Dallas, TX @ House of Blues (still snoozing 😴)
Nov. 11 – Nashville, TN @ Marathon Music Works (marathon? This show probably feels like one 🏃♂️)
Nov. 12 – Greensboro, NC @ Piedmont Hall (piedmont? Sounds like a type of cheese 🧀)
Nov. 13 – Atlanta, GA @ Masquerade (masquerade? Are they hiding the fact that this show is terrible? 🎭)
Nov. 15 – Orlando, FL @ Warped Tour * (warped? My brain will be after this show 😵💫)
Nov. 16 – Tampa, FL @ The Ritz Ybor (ritz? This show is anything but fancy 💅)
Nov. 18 – Baltimore, MD @ Nevermore Hall (nevermore? I hope I never see this show again 🙅♀️)
Nov. 19 – Worcester, MA @ Palladium (palladium? Sounds like a medication 💊)
Nov. 20 – Philadelphia, PA @ The Fillmore (fillmore? More like fill-me-with-disappointment 😞)
Nov. 21 – New York, NY @ Palladium Times Square (still need that medication 💊)
Nov. 22 – Norfolk, VA @ The NorVa (norva? I’d rather be nowhere 🚫)
* Festival appearance (aka, a desperate attempt to stay relevant 🤷♀️)
“The Return Of Gor Gor” has three new GWAR songs mixed by Kurt Ballou (CONVERGE, GodCity Studios). Four live tracks from Atlanta, mixed by Chris Ronan Murphy. Produced by GWAR, mastered by Alan Douches. There’s also a 32-page comic about Gor Gor. Because, you know, we’re all dying to know his backstory. 🙄 Vinyl editions have an animated etching of Gor Gor. So artsy. 🙄
Apparently, 40 years ago, GWAR came from Antarctica to conquer Earth. 🌍 Their “monstrous” live shows made them “overlords” of shock rock. Now, BälSäc, Beefcake, JiZMak, and Blöthar, plus Grodius, are trying to find Gor Gor, who disappeared after Oderus Urungus died. 😭
Blöthar The Berserker says: “The last time I saw Gor Gor, he was just a wee fart dragon. He had crawled on the hood of my Kia Soul and was holding on for dear life while I drove to the store to buy Clamato. I bathed him in wiper fluid and used my wipers to knock him off my sweet ride. Next thing I know, he’s a 20-foot tall trans-species prostitute working a pickle park. Apparently, he’s all grown up and looking for revenge. This record chronicles his struggles as a young Dino-American trying to make his way in a cruel world.” Okay, I’m officially done. 🤢
Here’s the track listing. Prepare to be amazed… or not. 🤷♀️
01. The Great Circus Train Disaster (sounds thrilling 🤡)
02. Tyrant King (so original 👑)
03. Lot Lizard (classy 💅)
04. Crack In The Egg (Live) (eggs and crack? What a combo 🍳)
05. The Founding Fathers (Live) (history lesson? 🏛️)
06. America Must Be Destroyed (Live) (edgy 😎)
07. Fishfuck (Live) (I have no words 😶)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
