Oh, fantastic, another reboot! 🎉 Just what the cinematic universe desperately needed: LEE CRONIN’S THE MUMMY, because clearly, we have all forgotten the cinematic masterpiece that was Tom Cruise running in a straight line for two hours. Lee Cronin, fresh off his glowing resume of resurrecting Evil Dead (which, to be fair, was actually pretty good, so maybe hold the sarcasm?), has decided to look the Universal Monsters in the eye and say, “Move over, Dracula, I’m bringing the wrinkle-cream.”
We are officially treating “The Mummy” like a cursed tamagotchi that refuses to die. Every few years, some executive wakes up in a cold sweat, screams “WRAP IT UP!” and greenlights another story about a dusty person with anger issues. But fear not, loyal consumers of recycled ideas! This isn’t just *any* Mummy. This is **LEE CRONIN’S THE MUMMY**, implying that if you squint hard enough, you might see the director’s signature scrawled on the bandages.
According to the plot synopsis, which reads like it was written by an AI fed exclusively on daytime soap operas and unsolicited TripAdvisor reviews, a journalist’s daughter vanishes into the desert. She comes back eight years later. *Eight years.* That is a long time to be gone without sending a postcard. Usually, when a kid wanders off into the sand dunes for nearly a decade and returns, the vibe is “relief” and “let’s get you a sandwich.” But here? The vibes are strictly “living nightmare.” 😱
The synopsis claims the reunion “turns into a living nightmare.” Honestly, if my kid came back after eight years looking like they’d been through a tumble dryer full of sand and cursed ancient artifacts, I wouldn’t be screaming in terror; I’d be asking who was paying the college tuition. But sure, let’s call it a nightmare. Maybe she just brought back a really aggressive timeshare presentation?
But let’s look at the lineup, because this is where the party really starts. We have Jack Reynor, who I assume is here to run in slow motion while looking concerned. We have Laia Costa, May Calamawy, Natalie Grace, and the legendary Veronica Falcón. These poor actors have been handed the “Family Trauma” script, which consists of 90% crying in dim lighting and 10% asking, “Why does the sand smell like ancient evil?”
Behind the camera, we have a “team of sterling film artisans.” That’s industry speak for “people who are very good at hiding the fact that we spent the entire CGI budget on the sand texture.” We’ve got Dave Garbett on cinematography, who is tasked with making the desert look menacing instead of just hot and inconvenient. We’ve got Nick Bassett designing the production, presumably building a pyramid out of Styrofoam and hope. And Bryan Shaw on editing, whose job is to cut out the scenes where the Mummy trips over his own wrappings.
And the music! Stephen McKeon is composing the score. Can we expect a sweeping orchestral piece? Or just two hours of a low-frequency hum designed to give the audience migraines? 🎵
Let’s not forget the corporate overlords. The film is brought to you by **New Line Cinema, Atomic Monster, and Blumhouse**. That is the holy trinity of “We Own The Rights And We Will Use Them.” It is a Wicked/Good Production, which is confusing. Is it Wicked? Or is it Good? Pick a lane, marketing team! 👹👼
The film boasts that it is “An Audacious and Twisted Retelling.” Ah yes, the “Audacious” label. The Hollywood code word for “We changed the gender of the sidekick and made the color palette 5% darker.” And “Twisted”? The only thing twisted here is the logic that convinced a studio to fund this. 🤡
The video embedded in the article likely promises chills, spills, and thrills, but we all know it’s just 2 minutes of a young girl staring at a mirror followed by a loud jump scare that makes you spill your popcorn. 🍿
**LEE CRONIN’S THE MUMMY** is coming to the UK on April 17th, 2026. That is Warner Bros. Pictures politely asking you to please, for the love of God, buy a ticket. They need to pay back the “sterling film artisans.”
So, get ready to see a lot of linen, a lot of sand, and a family that clearly needs to invest in a better support system. It’s the cinematic event of the century (or at least the cinematic event of next April). 🎬💀
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
