OMG! Can you believe it? After like, five whole months of pretending he wasn’t already packing his bags 💼, Kelly Hansen, the dude who sang for FOREIGNER but wasn’t Lou Gramm, finally did his last air humping 🐒 on stage this past Friday (October 10) and Saturday (October 11) at some casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I bet the free buffet was killer 🦀.
Remember that time FOREIGNER showed up on “The Voice” 🎤? Yeah, me neither, but apparently Hansen decided to “pass the torch” 🕯️to the band’s guitarist, Luis Maldonado, like anyone actually cares who plays guitar in FOREIGNER at this point. Seriously, are they even a real band anymore, or just a tribute act with a slightly less wrinkly dude? 👴➡️👶
So, Jeff Pilson, the bass player 🎸 (because who needs original members, right?) and musical director 🎼 (whatever that means) for FOREIGNER, got all sappy 😢 during the Atlantic City show. He told everyone how ready they are for the future (without Kelly!), before playing “I Want To Know What Love Is”. He gushed about Kelly being an “amazing singer” (debatable 🙄), an “incredible performer” (double debatable 🤨), and, get this, a “great human being.” I bet he helps old ladies cross the street while simultaneously hitting those high notes… or not. 🙊
Pilson went on, saying Kelly is “funny” 😂 (prove it!), and how they have “in jokes” 🤣 (probably about how much money they’re still making off songs written decades ago). He called FOREIGNER a “brotherhood” 👬 and a “family” 👪, and mentioned how Lou Gramm and other former members sometimes hang out with them. It’s all one big happy (and slightly desperate) family! 🤡 But then he got all weepy 😭 and asked the crowd to thank Kelly. You know, for being the FOREIGNER karaoke king for the past 20 years. 🎤👑
Then Kelly grabbed the mic 🎤 (with his notes 📝, because he’s just THAT spontaneous) and thanked everyone. First, the band members (group hug! 🫂), then the crew (who apparently drive through the night to make FOREIGNER look good 😴… good luck with that! 🤭), and then… the management! Because who else is gonna keep the gravy train 🚂 rollin’? He called Phil Carson a “fucking juggernaut” 👹. So classy, Kelly. 👌
Of course, he thanked the “fans” (or “people who love music,” as he delicately puts it 🙄). He thanked his friends (who probably got free tickets 🎟️ and backstage passes 📸), and then, the waterworks really started flowing ⛲ when he thanked his wife. Apparently, he finally got hitched 💍 at the ripe old age of 59. Maybe that’s why he’s retiring – gotta spend that sweet, sweet FOREIGNER money 💰 before it’s too late! ⏳
Kelly choked back tears 😭 and thanked everyone again. He said he’s been in the business for like, half a century 👴, and that he spent 20 years singing a “catalog of songs that a singer couldn’t dream of.” Well, yeah, if your dream is to be a glorified Lou Gramm impersonator, then mission accomplished! ✅
He told People magazine that he started thinking about leaving during COVID-19 because he actually enjoyed being home 🏠. Imagine that! He realized he had financial stability and could finally choose something different. You know, like binge-watching Netflix 📺 instead of singing “Hot Blooded” for the millionth time. 🥵
He said Americans have a “work till you die” ethic 💀, but he wants to “enjoy and live my life.” Translation: “I’m rich, bitch! 🤑 Time to retire and buy a yacht 🛥️!” He also said he wants to pursue his “other passions and pursuits.” Like what? Competitive napping? 😴
Kelly claimed he’s “not troubled by living a smaller life.” Sure, Jan! 👋 He says he’s spent his life with “loud music and bright lights” and “avoiding fucking landmines.” 💣 Sounds exhausting! No wonder he wants to chill with his friends and family and just “dig it.” 🌱
Back in May, Kelly told some radio DJ 📻 that he brought up the idea of leaving to Mick Jones in 2022. Mick was “very supportive” (read: probably relieved 😅), but didn’t want him to leave (read: who else are we gonna get?). Kelly said the songs are “very demanding” 😥, and he doesn’t want to be out there doing them “less than the best” (which, let’s be honest, has been happening for years 😩). So, they decided to hand the mic to Luis Maldonado. Because what’s more FOREIGNER than replacing your lead singer with a guitarist? 🤷
And get this – they did the “handoff” live on “The Voice.” 🤣 Talk about selling out! 💸 It was “serendipitous,” according to Kelly. Or maybe just plain desperate for attention. 🙄
When asked how he thinks he’ll feel at his last FOREIGNER concert, Kelly said, “I don’t even wanna think about it.” 🙅 Probably because he’ll be crying all the way to the bank. 🏦 He admitted he’ll be “emotionally up and down” during the tour. Mostly up, I’m guessing, when he sees those royalty checks! Cha-ching! 💰💰💰
He also talked about his future plans, including continuing some of the band’s philanthropic work with Shriners Hospitals For Children and the Grammy Foundation. Aw, how noble! 🥰 Maybe he’ll start a charity for washed-up rock singers. 😇
When Kelly announced his departure, he said Luis has “the voice, the energy, and the soul” to carry on the FOREIGNER legacy. Okay, calm down, Nostradamus. 🔮
Mick Jones said he assembled the finest group of musicians he could find in 1976. Sure, Mick. Whatever you say, buddy. 👴 He also said Jason Bonham encouraged him to do it all over again and create a “brand-new FOREIGNER.” Because nothing says “classic rock” like a totally revamped lineup with zero original members! 💀
Jones called Hansen “one of the best” frontmen and said he “breathed new life into our songs.” I think “defibrillated our songs back from the dead” is a more accurate description. 🧟 He wished Kelly happiness and welcomed Luis to his new position. You know, the one where he has to pretend to be Lou Gramm for the rest of his life. 🤡
Before joining FOREIGNER, Luis was known for playing guitar with TRAIN and Lisa Marie Presley. Now he’s stepping into the spotlight as FOREIGNER‘s new frontman. Get ready for a whole new level of mediocrity! 😐
Maldonado said this music has been part of his life for as long as he can remember. So, he’s been practicing his Lou Gramm impression since he was a toddler? 👶 He’s ready to “honor FOREIGNER‘s legacy and bring my heart to every performance.” Translation: “I’m ready to cash in on those sweet, sweet FOREIGNER hits! 🤑”
Hansen joined FOREIGNER in 2005 and helped revitalize the band’s live presence. Or, you know, kept the gravy train rolling for another couple of decades. 🚂
FOREIGNER replaced original singer Lou Gramm with Hansen. Because who needs originality when you can have a sound-alike? 🎤 Jones, the only remaining original member, has been battling Parkinson’s disease. 😢 Which probably explains why he’s been letting this whole charade continue for so long. 🤪
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
