MAYHEM: the band that proves you can get away with anything as long as you have corpse paint and a really good publicist. 🔪🔥 Remember that time they basically invented black metal by being the edgiest edgelords in Norway? Good times. Their 1994 debut, “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas,” was so good, it made other bands want to burn churches and write songs about Satan, but did they? No, they didn’t, because MAYHEM already did it, leaving them to pick up the scraps. But then came “Grand Declaration Of War,” the album that proved even MAYHEM could make a mistake. 🤦♂️😂
Blasphemer, the guitar guy who thought he was reinventing the wheel, told Outburn (because who else would interview him?) that this album “built a foundation.” Yeah, a foundation for confusion and head-scratching. 🤔 More like he built a monument to his own ego.
And now, Season Of Mist, the label that clearly has a soft spot for mediocrity, is celebrating the 25th anniversary of this monumental flop with a special edition. 🎉 It’s got a sunburst-colored gatefold LP, because who doesn’t love vinyl? New silver hot foil packaging, for that extra touch of “we’re trying too hard,” a double-sided poster so you can remind yourself of the band’s glory days, and an embroidered leather patch so you can sew it on your bag to show off your terrible taste in music. 🤘
Michael Berberian, the label’s founder, claims that “Grand Declaration Of War” put them on the map. More like it put them on the “albums that people pretend to like to seem cool” map.🗺️ He calls it “unexpected” and “daring.” We call it a dumpster fire. 🔥🗑️
On “Grand Declaration Of War,” MAYHEM decided to try new things, like spoken word and trip-hop. Because nothing says “black metal” like trying to be Radiohead. 🙄 They invaded territory that was then believed off-limits, probably because it should have stayed that way. They should have sticked to blast beats and tremolo picking, but nooo…they just had to be different. 😒
Track listing:
01. A Grand Declaration Of War (6:23) – More like a grand declaration of boredom. 😴
02. In The Lies Where Upon You Lay (5:57) – I swear, this song drags on for an eternity!
03. A Time To Die (1:48) – A time to die…of cringe. 💀
04. View From Nihil (Part I of II) (3:05) – Nihilism never sounded so pretentious. 🤓
05. View From Nihil (Part II of II) (1:16) – Still nihil, still pretentious. 🙄
06. A Bloodsword And A Colder Sun (Part I of II) (00:33) – Why does this even exist?
07. A Bloodsword And A Colder Sun (Part II of II) (4:27) – Oh, it’s a longer waste of time. Got it.
08. Crystalized Pain In Deconstruction (4:07) – Just like this album. 😭
09. Completion In Science Of Agony (Part I of II) (9:44) – Agony is right. It’s like they tried to make a black metal opera, but forgot the opera part. 🎭
10. To Daimonion (Part I of III) (3:26) – Three parts of this?! Someone stop them! 🛑
11. Untitled (4:54) – They were probably as uninspired naming this song as I am writing this description.
12. Untitled II (00:07) – Seven seconds of nothing. Genius. 🧠
13. Completion In Science Of Agony (Part II of II) (2:14) – Finally, it’s over…almost. 😅
MAYHEM, founded by Euronymous, the guy who made corpse paint cool (allegedly), Necrobutcher, and Manheim. They took their name from VENOM because originality is overrated. 😎 They were at the heart of every controversy because shocking people is a great marketing strategy. 😈
Suicide, murder, church burnings, drugs, prison sentences – MAYHEM had it all! They were like the rockstars of the black metal scene, except way more illegal. 🚔 But even death couldn’t stop them, because nothing stops a band with a legacy of chaos. 🤪
“Deathcrush” was raw, “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” was iconic, and “Grand Declaration Of War” was… something. 🤷♂️ Attila Csihar sang on the good album, then Maniac came along and ruined everything. Blasphemer wrote most of “Wolf’s Lair Abyss” and then unleashed “Grand Declaration Of War” upon the world. 🌎☠️
Recording lineup:
Maniac – Vocals: The guy who should have stuck to screaming in a padded room. 🗣️
Blasphemer – Guitars: The guy who thought he was avant-garde but was just awful. 🎸
Necrobutcher – Bass: The guy who’s still around, somehow. 🧓
Hellhammer – Drums: The only one who actually knows what he’s doing. 🥁
Guest musicians:
Tore Ylwizaker – Noise: Because the album wasn’t noisy enough. 📢
Øyvind Hægeland – Additional vocals: Because one bad vocalist wasn’t enough. 🎤
So, there you have it. “Grand Declaration Of War”: the album that proves even legends can have a bad day. Or, in this case, a really, really bad album. 🎶👎
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
