OMG! 😲 So, the geriatric thrashers, SLAYER, are crawling out of their retirement homes to “celebrate” the 40th anniversary of “Reign In Blood” at some festival called Sick New World Texas in 2026? 👴🎸 Seriously? Who even remembers that album besides aging metalheads clinging to their glory days? 🤣 Apparently, it’s happening at the Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth, because nothing says “thrash metal” like the deafening roar of stock cars. 🏎️💨 They’re dragging along SYSTEM OF A DOWN, DEFTONES, EVANESCENCE (still?), THE PRODIGY (RIP Keith, but still milking it, huh?), and the ever-controversial Marilyn Manson. 🙄 Oh, and some other bands you probably haven’t heard of unless you’re still rocking cargo shorts and chain wallets. 🔗🩳 Sign up for the newsletter to get a presale code, because, you know, you wouldn’t want to miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime chance to see a bunch of dinosaurs pretending they’re still relevant. 🦖🦖🦖
And let’s not forget SLAYER‘s “exclusive” U.S. East Coast gig in Hershey, Pennsylvania. 🍫 How edgy! Thrash metal and chocolate syrup, a match made in corporate hell! 😈 They also graced the stage at Louder Than Life in Kentucky. 🐴 Because nothing screams “metal” like bourbon and horse racing. 🥃🐎 Apparently, they also played some shows in the UK and Canada. 🇨🇦🇬🇧 Who cares? It’s all just a desperate attempt to cash in on nostalgia before they’re too old to even hold their instruments. 👴➡️🦴 And let’s not forget their “tribute” to BLACK SABBATH. Playing six songs? How generous! 😂 Bet Ozzy was thrilled to have them steal some of his spotlight. 🌟
The lineup is the same as their “farewell” tour, because originality is overrated, right? Kerry King, Paul Bostaph, Tom Araya, and Gary Holt, the same tired faces rehashing the same old songs. 😴 At least they’re consistent in their mediocrity. Consistency is key to being called a legend. 💯
“Reign In Blood” was released in 1986. Back when metal was still kinda cool. 😎 Rick Rubin produced it, because apparently even he couldn’t resist the allure of easy money. 💰 Kerrang! called it “the heaviest album of all time.” Sure, Jan. 🙄 Probably written by some intern who was paid in beer and pizza. 🍺🍕
The album’s release was delayed because of its “controversial” lyrics. 🙄 Oh noes, they wrote about Josef Mengele. So shocking! 😱 Everyone knows that controversy sells. 😈 The band claimed they weren’t Nazis, just “interested” in the subject. Riiiiight. 🤔 Sure, that’s why they wrote a song about the “Angel of Death” in excruciating detail. 😇💀 Totally innocent. 😇
Jeff Hanneman whined about Sony not wanting to release the album. 😭 “It’s a documentary! Grow up, people!” he said. 😂 Yeah, a “documentary” glorifying one of history’s most evil figures. 🤡 It took months before some other sucker picked it up. 🤝
“Reign In Blood” actually charted! At No. 94. 🎉 Whoop-dee-doo. 🙄 It went gold, because apparently there were enough gullible metalheads willing to buy it. 📀🤑 Half a million sales! That’s nothing compared to Taylor Swift! 👸 And who actually buys CDs anymore? 💿➡️🗑️
Tom Araya said Rubin wanted to “duplicate what he was hearing.” 🤣 As if SLAYER had some groundbreaking sound to begin with. Kerry King said it was the first time you actually heard SLAYER in its “pure ferocity.” 🤣😂🤣😂🤣 “Pure ferocity?” More like pure garbage. 🗑️ He also claimed that if it came out today, no one would care. 💯 Finally, something we can agree on! 👍
Dave Lombardo called “Reign In Blood” a “masterpiece.” 😂 Yeah, a masterpiece of mediocrity. 🎨💩 He also said it would “stand the test of time.” ⏳ Well, it’s been 40 years, and people are still talking about it, so I guess he’s kinda right. But that doesn’t mean it’s good. 🤷♂️ He also claimed that SLAYER had a certain energy that’s unlike anything else. ⚡️ More like a certain stench. 🤢
So there you have it, folks. SLAYER is back, and they’re ready to milk your nostalgia for all it’s worth. 💸 Go ahead, waste your money on a ticket to see them play the same old songs for the millionth time. 🤡 Just don’t come crying to me when you realize you’ve been had. 😭😂
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
