Okay, so listen up, buttercups 💅. The *Five Nights at Freddy’s* franchise, that cinematic masterpiece of jump scares and animatronic existential dread, is about spooky stuff in a haunted pizza joint. It’s basically Chuck E. Cheese on a bad trip, right? So, naturally, some marketing genius decided, “Hey, let’s shill some grub!” 🤑
But hold up… at a CHICKEN restaurant? 🐔 Seriously? Instead of hitting up Domino’s or Pizza Hut, or, you know, the OG Chuck E. Cheese (probably too busy dealing with their own brand of existential horror to associate with murderous robots), *Five Nights at Freddy’s 2* (because one was clearly not enough) teamed up with POPEYES. Yes, you heard that right. Popeyes, purveyor of fine fried fowl, for the “Freddy Fazbear Crunch Menu.” 🤡
I mean, who needs pizza when you can have… chicken? I’m sensing a collab with KFC next… the possibilities are endless. 😵💫
The “limited time” culinary abominations include:
**Freddy Fazbear Deluxe Box ($12.99*):** Three (count ’em, THREE) pieces of Popeyes’ finest, smothered in garlic parmesan like they’re trying to hide something, plus garlic-crusted Cheesy Bites (more on those later), marinara sauce (because apparently, Freddy is Italian now?), a Cupcake Cup (a what now?), and a beverage to wash down the regret. 🥤
**Freddy Fazbear Box ($7.99*):** See above, but slightly less deluxe. Because, you know, you’re not QUITE worthy.
**Cheesy Bites with Marinara Sauce ($3.99):** Ah, yes, the pièce de résistance. Lightly hand-breaded, garlic-crusted cheese curds. Because nothing says “haunted pizzeria” like deep-fried dairy. Served with marinara sauce because…reasons? 🤔
**Cupcake Cup ($3.99):** A moist, strawberry-flavored cake topped with sweet pink icing. Because Freddy, deep down, is just a big softie who loves a good cupcake. Or maybe it’s a distraction while he stuffs you into a suit. 🤷
So, here’s the thing: my *Five Nights at Freddy’s* knowledge is limited to the first movie. I haven’t subjected myself to the games. So, someone tell me: is Freddy obsessed with “crunch?” Does he, like, grind bones? Is that a thing? Because otherwise, this whole “Crunch Menu” thing is just… weird. 🤪
Here’s Popeyes’ VP of Culinary babbling about the collab:
At Popeyes, we love playing with bold flavors, and what better playground than the world of *Five Nights at Freddy’s*? Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria is an iconic part of the film, so we had a blast reimagining that fun, over-the-top energy through our menu. It’s our way of giving fans a delicious taste of the movie’s universe, where that iconic Popeyes flavor meets a little bit of nostalgic pizzeria mystery.
“Nostalgic pizzeria mystery”? Is that what we’re calling it now? Sounds like a fancy way of saying “we needed a gimmick.” The Cheesy Bites, I guess, are supposed to be mozzarella sticks. But seriously, why isn’t this at a PIZZA PLACE?
I’m the guy who eats this garbage and writes about it. So I’m not an expert on anything except bad decisions. 🤦♂️
The *Five Nights at Freddy’s 2* menu is here for a limited time. The movie premiers December 5th. So go forth, and crunch. If you dare. 😈
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
