OMG! 😱 You won’t BELIEVE this! THE CROWN, those Swedish death/thrash metal dinosaurs 🦕, are finally calling it quits! After like, 35 years of allegedly making music 🎶, they’re planning a “farewell tour” in 2026, culminating in a final, probably super depressing 😭 gig in Gothenburg next December. Prepare for the metalpocalypse! Or, you know, just another band bites the dust. 🤷♀️
Earlier today (which, let’s be real, is probably yesterday by the time you’re reading this because who even checks news the SECOND it drops? 🙄), THE CROWN (who?) released a statement. Get this: “After 35 years of creativity” – *insert skeptical emoji here* – “and Death Metal mayhem” – more like death metal MEH-hem, amirite? 😂 – “the time has come to bring THE CROWN‘s journey to an end.” Translation: they probably realized they haven’t sold a record since dial-up internet was a thing. 💿
“2026 will not only mark our final year of live shows” – because, duh, who wants to see a bunch of old dudes thrashing around in 2027?👴 – “it will be the final chapter for the band.” Spoiler alert: the final chapter involves early bird specials and complaining about back pain. 🤕 “We want to go out on our own terms, celebrating everything this band has stood for: energy, passion, and the love of extreme music.” I’m pretty sure “energy” is code for “desperate attempt to stay relevant.” 🤡
“Most importantly, this farewell is for you – our fans.” Oh, NOW they care about the fans? 🤔 Where were they when ticket prices were astronomical and the merch looked like it was designed by a five-year-old? 🖍️ “Your dedication and loyalty have kept this band alive for over three decades.” More like nostalgia and pity, but hey, whatever floats their Viking ship. 🚢 “Every show in 2026 will be our way of saying thank you for all the years of support, the endless energy from the crowds, and for standing with us through every era of THE CROWN.” Endless energy? I think they’re confusing their shows with a caffeine convention. ☕
“Throughout 2026, we’ll perform Farewell shows around the world, meeting fans one last time.” One last time to milk those wallets dry! 🤑 “Each show will be a tribute to the past, the present, and the unstoppable spirit that’s fueled THE CROWN since day one.” Unstoppable spirit? More like an unstoppable reliance on the same three guitar riffs for 35 years. 🎸 “Everything has its time – and this is ours.” Yes, the time to fade into obscurity. 👋
“Thank you for 35 years of loyalty, chaos, and Metal!” Chaos? More like organized boredom.😴 “Let’s make 2026 the grand finale it deserves!” By “grand finale,” they mean a half-empty venue and a few die-hard fans clinging to their glory days.👵
“NO TOMORROW – FAREWELL 2026”. Because tomorrow they’ll be selling their gear on eBay. 💻
Here are THE CROWN‘s 2026 tour dates, in case you’re a glutton for punishment: 😈
Jan. 10 – PT Mangualde – Mangualde Hard Metal Fest (because nothing screams “metal” like a place no one can pronounce 🗣️)
Mar. 06 – ES Barcelona – Sala Lennon (paying tribute to the wrong kind of music, much? ☮️)
Mar. 07 – ES Valencia – Sala Zulu (I didn’t know they were a safari-themed band 🦁)
Mar. 08 – ES Madrid – Sala Nazca (probably just an excuse to eat tapas 🥘)
Mar. 14 – CH Zürich – Züri Gmätzlets (try saying that five times fast 🤪)
May 22 – US Baltimore – Maryland Deathfest (because one last dose of death metal is EXACTLY what America needs 🇺🇸)
Jul. 25 – FI Vaasa – Kaaos Festival (Kaaos is right, this whole thing is a disaster 💥)
Aug. 15 – IT Francavilla al Mare – Frantic Fest (Frantic because they’re realizing how much they’re going to miss the money 💰)
Aug. 20 – AT Spital am Semmering – Kaltenbach Open Air (sounds like a sneeze 🤧)
Nov. 06 – SE Umeå – House Of Metal (more like House of Mildly Annoyed 😒)
Nov. 21 – SE Linköping – Platens (I’m sure the locals are thrilled 🙄)
Nov. 28 – SE Skövde – Lokstallet (sounds like a Swedish furniture store 🛋️)
Dec. 12 – NL Eindhoven – Metal Meeting (because metalheads love a good convention 🤝)
Dec. 18 – SE Stockholm – Kollektivet livet (because metal is all about the collective, right? 🧑🤝🧑)
Dec. 19 – SE Gothenburg – Valand (final show) (the end is near! 💀)
THE CROWN‘s twelfth studio album, “Crown Of Thorns” (so original! 🙄), came out in October 2024 via Metal Blade Records (who are probably regretting that decision now 🤦♀️). The follow-up to 2021’s “Royal Destroyer” (more like Royal Disappointment 😒) was THE CROWN‘s LP after the 2022 addition of drummer Mikael Norén and bassist Mattias Rasmussen (who are probably already updating their resumes 📝) as well as the return of lead guitarist Marcus Sunesson (because one guitarist wasn’t enough to bore us to death 😴), rejoining longtime members, guitarist Marko Tervonen and vocalist Johan Lindstrand (the only two people who probably still believe in this band 🙏).
“Crown Of Thorns” was recorded by Marko Tervonen (Studio-MT) (probably in his garage 🚗), mixed and was mastered by Jonas Kjellgren (Black Lounge Studios) (because every metal album needs a black lounge, apparently 🖤).
THE CROWN celebrated its 30th anniversary in 2020 (including the band’s first eight years spent as CROWN OF THORNS) (so, like, 40 years? 🤔 Numbers are hard 😵💫).
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
