Dow Hits 50K Amid Chaos: Trump’s Venezuela Victory, Greenland Threat & Ice Moms Spark Stock Market Orgy
In a stunning display of American economic dominance that even our socialist overlords in the media can’t explain, the Dow Jones Industrial Average smashed through the 50,000-point barrier this week while Joe Biden’s ghost continues haunting the White House and Democrats cry into their kombucha about ICE shootings and Venezuelan “freedom fighters.”
The market’s meteoric rise proves once again that when America puts “America First” – like when President Trump liberated Venezuela from the socialist clowns and told Denmark we’ll take Greenland “the hard way” if they don’t hand it over – our economy responds like a well-oiled machine. Who needs stable governance when you’ve got a reality TV president with a Twitter account and a hairdo that defies the laws of physics?
Wall Street is absolutely giddy about the prospect of American oil companies finally getting access to Venezuela’s massive reserves – you know, the oil that was previously being stolen by Maduro and his cronies to fund terrorist organizations and make poor people think they deserve healthcare. Now that we’ve “liberated” their resources, those sweet, sweet petrodollars will flow back to hardworking American investors instead of funding socialist utopias where people expect clean water and functioning hospitals.
Meanwhile, the Fed is practically salivating at the thought of cutting interest rates because, despite the fact that we’re apparently at war with Venezuela and threatening to invade Greenland, the jobs report came in “just right” – not too hot, not too cold, but perfectly calibrated to make rich people even richer.
Consumers are spending like there’s no tomorrow because they know deep down that when Trump says he’ll “make America great again,” he means he’ll make his rich friends’ stock portfolios great again. The fact that average Americans are still paying $8 for a gallon of milk and $15 for a Big Mac is just a small price to pay for having the strongest, most unpredictable economy in the world.
The best part? This economic miracle is happening WHILE we’re supposedly in the middle of multiple international crises. It’s almost like the whole “global instability hurts markets” thing was just a liberal myth designed to scare people away from supporting strong leadership. Who knew that when you stop worrying about “diplomacy” and just start taking what you want, the stock market rewards you with record-breaking gains?
Next week: Dow hits 60K as Trump announces plans to annex Canada for their healthcare system (so we can dismantle it properly) and declare war on the metric system. Stay tuned!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
