Oh, great. Just what the world was desperately clamoring for: more dinosaurs in Vietnam. Because clearly, the first movie’s premise of “What if ‘Platoon’ but with a T-Rex?” wasn’t enough to satisfy the collective brain rot of modern cinema. 🦖🔫 Grab your popcorn and your PTSD meds, folks, because Sparke Films is dragging us back into the jungle for Primitive War 2, a sequel that promises to be about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face.
Yes, you read that correctly. The visionary auteur behind the first cinematic masterpiece, Luke Sparke, is returning to wear literally every hat in the production truck—writer, director, producer, editor, and probably the guy who fetches the coffee. Because nothing says “creative control” like a one-man band playing a trombone while juggling chainsaws. He’s basing this magnum opus on the literary genius of Ethan Pettus, because if you’re going to have a dinosaur eat a soldier, you might as well have it be based on a book that nobody you know has ever read. 📚😵
Let’s talk about that plot, shall we? The first film was apparently about “discovery.” You know, discovering that you can fit a dinosaur into a runtime without a Spielberg budget. Now, the sequel is about “escalation.” What happens when control is lost? Well, for starters, the CGI budget probably triples, and the scriptwriters start throwing darts at a board labeled “things that explode.” We’re told that nature adapts faster than military doctrine. Finally, a movie that acknowledges that a velociraptor is smarter than a Lieutenant who still thinks a flak jacket stops a 50-foot Allosaurus. 🧠💥
The synopsis promises a “new U.S. platoon” sent into a “competing kill zone.” Because the first platoon presumably got turned into dinosaur snacks, but the military-industrial complex has a limitless supply of extras in olive drab. We’re looking at a convergence of “rival apex predators” and “secret Cold War agendas.” Ah yes, the classic Cold War trope: while the Russians and Americans were playing chess, they were also accidentally cloning dinosaurs in the Cambodian rainforest. It’s the kind of grounded realism that makes you think, “Yeah, this is exactly how Nixon would have handled things.” 🦕🐘
Sparke describes the sequel as a “natural evolution.” That’s one way to put it. Another way would be “the logical conclusion of a premise so bad it looped back around to being hilarious.” He claims the first film was about discovery, and this one is about “what happens when the war itself becomes secondary to what’s been unleashed.” Spoiler alert: The war was secondary in the first movie, too. In fact, the Viet Cong were probably just there to provide a fresh supply of appetizers for the local Jurassic Park rejects. 🍗😴
The original film apparently gained a “strong following.” I’m sure the IMDB rating of “undefined” is just a technical glitch, and not a reflection of the film’s quality. The sequel aims to “cement the franchise.” Let’s hope they use quick-drying cement, because this premise is drying up faster than a puddle in the Sahara. ☀️🌵
Even the author, Ethan Pettus, is excited. He said, “I had a blast watching the first Primitive War film.” I’m sure he did. It’s probably the only time he’s seen his characters brought to life without having to pay royalties to the voices in his head. “I’m excited to see how the sequel goes!” Translation: “Please, God, let me get paid for this.” 💸🙏
We also have the “Primitive War alumni” reuniting. That’s right, the same crew is coming back. Local Queensland-based production crew? That means we’re going to get those distinct “shot on a GoPro in a local swamp” vibes again. Producers Carmel Imrie and Carly Sparke are returning, along with Executive Producer Geoff Imrie. It’s a family affair! Or a nepotism festival. You decide. 🎪👨👩👧👦
The movie is in “late development,” which is Hollywood code for “we have a poster and a vague idea of what a dinosaur looks like.” Production is targeting a 2027 release. That gives us plenty of time to forget about the first one and be surprised when this one drops straight to VOD. Casting is “underway.” I hear Nicolas Cage is busy, but maybe they can get the guy who played the third stormtrooper in the background of *Star Wars: A New Hope*. 🌟
Luke Sparke is repped by Ben Levine at Link Entertainment, Vivek Kolli at Kolli Management, and Adam Vitable at Hirsch Wallerstein Hayum Matlof + Fishman. That’s a lot of people trying to get a dinosaur movie made. It’s like a support group for filmmakers who pitch movies starting with “So, imagine *Jurassic Park* meets…” and get politely told to leave. 🚪👋
So, gear up for *Primitive War 2*. It’s going to be loud, it’s going to be bloody, and it’s going to feature dinosaurs that look like they were rendered on a PlayStation 2. It’s the cinematic event of 2027 that absolutely nobody asked for, but hey, at least it’s not another Marvel movie, right? 😂🍿
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
