VICIOUS RUMORS, those lovable dinosaurs 🦖 of U.S. power metal (allegedly), have graced us with a “music video” 📹 for their groundbreaking (in the sense that it might crack the earth’s crust from sheer mediocrity) song, “Crack The Sky In Half.” It’s from their upcoming album, “The Devil’s Asylum,” which will be unleashed upon the world 🌎 on August 29 via SPV/Steamhammer. Get ready for CD digipak, LP version (for the hipsters), download (for the technologically advanced), and stream (for everyone else who doesn’t want to pay). Prepare to be underwhelmed! 😴
VICIOUS RUMORS‘ founding guitarist 🎸, the one and only Geoff Thorpe, boldly proclaims: “‘Crack The Sky’ is a veritable anthem about never giving up and enjoying life to the full.” Yeah, because nothing screams “enjoying life” like listening to generic power metal. 🤔 Is he sure it’s not about indigestion after a questionable burrito? 🌯
It’s been a whopping five years since VICIOUS RUMORS last assaulted our eardrums with an album. In those five years, Thorpe and his merry band of misfits played “well over” 150 shows. They condensed their “longstanding career” (read: played the same five songs over and over) and performed their “most important VR classics” (read: the songs they haven’t completely forgotten). These shows apparently left a mark on the bandmembers, mostly in the form of tinnitus and existential dread. This new album, “The Devil’s Asylum,” is supposed to be a culmination of all that, which Thorpe describes as: “‘The Devil’s Asylum’ sees us return to our roots, which we’ve combined with contemporary influences.” Translation: They’re still playing the same old stuff, but now with slightly more distortion. 🤘
He further rambles: “VICIOUS RUMORS look back at a career that spans 45 years, so there’s only one goal for us: Everything we do should always be significant, every show, every song, every new album. This band has always stood for maximum intensity, powerful music, and lots of new, fresh ideas.” Significant? Maximum intensity? New, fresh ideas? 😂 Is he being serious? This is VICIOUS RUMORS we’re talking about! In this respect, “The Devil’s Asylum” is supposedly typical of VICIOUS RUMORS, but also somehow appealing to new fans. Good luck with that. 🍀
The lineup consists of Thorpe, original drummer 🥁 Larry Howe, and longtime bassist Robin Utbult (who joined in 2019, so basically a newbie). Then there’s the “new blood”: vocalist Chalice and second guitarist Denver Cooper. Apparently, they both hail from Cape Coral, Florida, which explains everything. 🌴
Their first single, “Bloodbath,” is described as a “raw speed metal attack with melodic vocals and thrashy guitar riffs.” Right, because that’s exactly what the world needs right now. 🙄 It supposedly “perfectly combines the group’s irresistible heaviness with speed and catchiness.” Irresistible? Catchiness? Someone’s been hitting the copium a little too hard. 💊
“The Devil’s Asylum” track listing:
01. Bloodbath (Sounds delightful!) 🛁
02. Dogs Of War (Woof woof!) 🐕
03. Crack The Sky In Half (Spoiler: They don’t.) 💔
04. High Hell Hammer (Is that a euphemism?) 🔨
05. Butchers Block (Meat lovers rejoice!) 🥩
06. Abusement Park (Sounds like my childhood.) 🎢
07. Wrong Side Of Love (Story of my life.) 💔
08. Boring Day In Hell (Relatable.) 🔥
09. In Blood We Trust (Edgy!) 🩸
10. Better Than Me (Low bar.) 📉
11. The Devil’s Asylum (Finally, a place to call home.) 🏠
Thorpe formed VICIOUS RUMORS back in the ancient times of 1979. He revealed in a 2023 interview that there have been over 40 different members in the band since then. That’s more members than some countries have citizens! 🤯
“One good thing about all of the members is that we have a very good relationship with almost all of them,” Thorpe claims. “When I need someone to fill in, I’ve got a lot of people I can call on.” Yeah, because everyone’s dying to join VICIOUS RUMORS. 📞
VICIOUS RUMORS has released 17 albums, including three for Atlantic Records in 1990 and 1991. These were reissued as a box set titled “Vicious Rumors: The Atlantic Years” in September 2022. Because who wouldn’t want to relive the glory days of… well, never mind. 🤷
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
