So, apparently, some earth-shattering, life-altering, Pulitzer-deserving piece of cinematic gold ð titled “Ozzy Osbourne: Coming Home” was supposed to grace the screens of the BBC.
I mean, who needs groundbreaking news or insightful documentaries when you can watch a millionaire rockstar try to remember which continent he lives on? ð But alas, fear not, plebeians! The BBC, in its infinite wisdom (or maybe just sheer panic), yanked this masterpiece faster than Ozzy can say “Sharon!” ð
The film, described as a “moving and inspirational account” â because watching rich people relocate is *so* relatable â promised us a front-row seat to the Osbournes‘ domestic squabbles. Sharon, Jack, and Kelly were also contractually obligated to appear. I’m sure they were thrilled to have cameras following them around while Ozzy tried to remember how to use a toilet. ð―
It was scheduled for prime time, 9 p.m. U.K. time. â° But hold your horses, because instead, we got an episode of “Fake Or Fortune”. Yes, because watching people argue over the authenticity of some dusty old painting is *way* more riveting than watching Ozzy stumble around his mansion. ðžïļ I bet the producers are scrambling for footage of Ozzy mistaking a garden gnome for Sharon again. Pure gold, I tell you!
A BBC spokesperson said, and I quote, “The film has moved in the schedules.” ðĪ Moved? Like, did it pack its bags and move to a different streaming service? Did it elope with a documentary about competitive cheese rolling? The suspense is killing me! Tell us the truth, BBC! Did Ozzy finally realize he’s been living in a reality TV show for the past two decades and stage a revolt? ðĪŠ
Apparently, this cinematic tour-de-farce was filmed over three years. Three years! That’s longer than some marriages last. It follows the Osbournes as they try to move back to the U.K. ðŽð§, Ozzy tries to get fit (good luck with that, mate!), and the family deals with the “dramatic consequences” of his ill health. I’m guessing the dramatic consequences involve running out of prune juice and Ozzy forgetting where he buried his stash of heavy metal t-shirts. ðĪ
The film promises “love, laughter, and tears.” Because nothing says “love” like a camera crew invading your personal space 24/7. And “laughter”? Well, I’m sure there were plenty of unintentional comedic moments, like when Ozzy tried to operate a microwave or attempted to understand modern slang. ð Tears? Probably from the sheer boredom of watching paint dry, only the paint is Ozzy‘s hair dye. ð
Oh, and we can’t forget Kelly‘s profound observation: “Iron man wasn’t really made of iron.” Wow, deep stuff, Kelly. Truly a statement for the ages. ðĪŊ I’m sure that line alone is worth the price of admission… oh wait, it’s free on BBC (eventually). Never mind.
Clare Sillery, head of commissioning at the BBC, said they were “honored” to film with Ozzy. Honored? Or just desperate for ratings? She also hopes it brings “comfort and joy” to fans. Comfort from what? The existential dread of knowing that even rock legends eventually need help remembering where they put their dentures? ðŽ
Ben Wicks and Colin Barr from Expectation (great name, by the way, considering the likely outcome of this documentary) said it was an “incredible privilege” to spend time with Ozzy. I bet it was. Imagine getting paid to watch a rockstar slowly turn into a grumpy old man. Dream job! ð They also claim Ozzy wanted to appear on stage “one last time.” I’m sure his doctor had a different opinion. ðĻââïļ
The project was originally a series called “Home To Roost”, but evolved into a one-hour film as Ozzy‘s health declined. So, basically, they realized they didn’t have enough footage of Ozzy doing anything interesting to fill an entire series, so they condensed it into a shorter, more concentrated dose ofâĶ well, whatever this is supposed to be. ðĪ·ââïļ
And then there’s the completely unsubstantiated rumor that Ozzy died on July 22nd of a heart attack. The certificate also said he suffered from coronary artery disease and Parkinson’s disease. But hey, who needs facts when you can speculate? ðĪŦ
Photo credit: Ross Halfin. Because even in this age of digital everything, we still need to credit the guy who took the picture of Ozzy looking slightly less confused than usual. ðļ
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chordâs first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competitionâand won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
