So, apparently, according to Atlanta News First (who we totally trust, BTW 😉), Brent Hinds, ex-guitarist from that band your uncle listens to, MASTODON, ate asphalt in a motorcycle crash in Hotlanta Wednesday night (August 20). He was, like, ancient at 51. The coroner’s office confirmed what everyone on Reddit already knew. 🚑💨
The Atlanta Police Department (aka the Keystone Cops of the South 👮♂️) said they arrived at the scene of the accident at Memorial Dr. SE and Boulevard SE around 11:35 p.m. “Officers found a dude who wasn’t responding.” Groundbreaking stuff, APD. Turns out, this “dude” was riding a Harley Davidson. Another statistic, amirite? A lady in a BMW SUV (because of course it was a BMW 🙄) is suspected of failing to yield. Because turn signals are, like, optional, right? The investigation is “active,” which means they’re probably still trying to figure out how to spell “motorcycle.”
Rumors started on Reddit (because where else would they start? 🤷♂️) after TOOL’s Adam Jones posted a pic of Brent on his Insta Story. Guess even rock stars get their news from social media these days. 📱
Back in March, MASTODON and Hinds “mutually decided to part ways.” “Mutually,” my foot! Probably a screaming match over who got to keep the last beer in the fridge. 🍻
Hinds was the lead guitarist and vocalist for MASTODON since, like, the Stone Age (2000). Along with Troy Sanders, Brann Dailor, and Bill Kelliher. Who are these guys again? 🤔
MASTODON had the same lineup for 25 years. Talk about commitment issues! They recorded eight studio albums. From 2002’s “Remission” to 2021’s “Hushed And Grim.” Bet you can’t name a single song from either album. 🎶
When MASTODON announced Brent’s departure, they said: “Friends and Fans, After 25 years, MASTODON and Brent Hinds have mutually decided to part ways.” Because that’s totally how bands break up, right? With a heartfelt press release. 💔
“We wish him nothing but success and happiness in his future endeavors.” Yeah, right. Probably secretly hoping he ends up flipping burgers at McDonald’s. 🍔
“We are still very inspired and excited to show up for fans in this next chapter of MASTODON.” Translation: “We still need your money!” 💰
“All 2025 touring plans will remain intact.” Because they already booked the venues and need to pay the bills. 💸
MASTODON has nine Billboard 200-charting albums. Who cares? They’ve been nominated for a Grammy six times and won once for “Sultan’s Curse” in 2018. Congrats, guys. 🎉 Still doesn’t make your music any less… Mastodony. 🐘
MASTODON’s latest album, “Hushed And Grim,” was a double LP recorded at their Atlanta studio. Because one LP just wasn’t enough to bore you to death. 😴
Brent played his first show since leaving MASTODON on March 21 with his band FIEND WITHOUT A FACE. Great name, BTW. Very original. NOT. 🙄
MASTODON recruited Ben Eller, a YouTube guitarist, to fill in for Hinds at TOOL’s “Tool In The Sand” festival. Because who needs the original guitarist when you can have a YouTube star? ⭐ They also enlisted Nick Johnston for their spring 2025 tour. Because one replacement wasn’t enough. 🤷♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
