Because apparently we haven’t milked this franchise enough yet, Rockstar Games has decided to unveil more details about the next Grand Theft Auto game, and by “unveil more details,” I mean they’ve announced a bunch of ways to separate you from your hard-earned cash. The second trailer drop sent fans into a frenzy, with rumors and speculation running rampant, and Rockstar is looking to capitalize on that hype by opening pre-orders for GTA 6 on June 25, conveniently the same day the third trailer drops. How’s that for a coincidence?
The Ultimate Cash-Grab Edition
It looks like Rockstar is taking a page out of the “how to nickel-and-dime your customers” playbook, with the announcement of the GTA 6 Ultimate Edition. For the low, low price of $99.99, you’ll get an “exclusive collection of premium vehicles, weapons, apparel, and action” that will undoubtedly make your gaming experience slightly more enjoyable, but let’s be real, it’s just a bunch of extra stuff to make the game feel more complete. And by “complete,” I mean not incomplete, because apparently, the base game isn’t enough. The Ultimate Edition bonuses are not just cosmetic, but actual content, including missions and in-game shops, which is just a fancy way of saying they’re holding back content to charge you more. Some executive somewhere got a bonus for this, I’m sure.
The Price of Progress
The base version of GTA 6 will set you back a cool $79.99, which is apparently the new standard price for games these days. Because who needs affordable games, right? It’s not like we’re still in a pandemic or anything, and people have tons of disposable income just lying around. And hey, if you’re feeling extra fancy, you can always shell out the extra $20 for the Ultimate Edition, which is sure to be worth it, I mean, who wouldn’t want to pay more for a game? Shareholders rejoice, indeed.
The Pre-Order Bonanza
If you’re one of the lucky ones who pre-orders the game, you’ll get the Vintage Vice City Pack, a collection of cosmetics that will make you feel like you’re stuck in the 80s. And if you pre-order the digital version, you can even pre-load the game on November 12, because who doesn’t love waiting a week for a game to download? It’s not like you have better things to do, like laundry or taxes. And if you’re feeling extra patient, you can always wait for the physical Ultimate Edition, which will come with a code-in-a-box, because what’s more exciting than a box with a code in it? Live-service enthusiasts are preparing the candles and summoning circle, no doubt.
The Download Saga
Speaking of downloads, Rockstar is helpfully allowing players to pre-load the game, because they know it’s going to be a massive file. I mean, who needs a social life when you can spend your days waiting for a game to download? At this point, even the loading screens have lore, I’m sure. The PS2 memory card community is devastated, probably. Another day, another roadmap, and another opportunity for Rockstar to separate you from your cash. Nature is healing, indeed, as the gaming industry continues to find new and innovative ways to take your money. And hey, if you’re lucky, the download might only take a few days, and you’ll be able to enjoy the game in no time. Maybe. Hopefully, the download doesn’t take a week, but let’s be real, it probably will.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
