Defense Secretary Pete “Loose Lips” Hegseth, apparently mistaking the Pentagon for a frat house, reportedly shared juicy deets about Yemen strikes on March 15th. His super-secret Signal group, “Defense | Team Huddle” (because “Bros Before Foes” was taken), included his wife (pillow talk intel, anyone? 😏), his brother (nepotism: it’s a family affair!👨👩👧👦), and his lawyer (for when the inevitable lawsuits hit). Four snitches—er, *sources*—spilled the tea. Apparently, the info was as classified as a Kardashian’s dating history, including F/A-18 flight schedules. This was the same top-secret intel he accidentally shared with *The Atlantic* editor, who probably thought he’d won the “Guess the War Plans” sweepstakes.🥇
Turns out, wifey Jennifer, a former Fox News producer (surprise!), isn’t exactly a defense expert. Unless “expert” now means “gets to tag along on hubby’s taxpayer-funded trips and crash sensitive meetings.” 🙄 Brother Phil and lawyer Tim *do* work at the Pentagon, though why *they* needed Yemen strike intel is anyone’s guess. Maybe they were planning a surprise party for the Houthis? 🎉
This isn’t Hegseth’s first rodeo with questionable judgment. Remember when he thought Signal was a secure way to chat with top officials *and* a magazine editor? 🤦♂️ This new chat, however, was all his idea. Created in January (pre-confirmation, when he was just a wannabe warmonger), it housed a dozen of his closest confidants. And yes, he used his *personal* phone. Because government-issued devices are for, like, actual government work. 😴
Naturally, the Pentagon is denying any wrongdoing. A spokesperson claimed “nothing classified” was discussed, which roughly translates to “nothing that would make us look *too* incompetent.” Sean Parnell, the chief Pentagon spokesman, initially ghosted reporters, then popped up on social media with the brilliant defense: “old story.” 🧟♂️ Because nothing says “innocent” like ignoring questions and then tweeting emojis.
Hegseth’s “Team Huddle” also included Joe Kasper (chief of staff) and the recently fired Dan Caldwell and Darin Selnick (senior advisers accused of leaking—oops!). These geniuses joined other ex-Pentagon officials in proclaiming their innocence this weekend. One even penned a scorching op-ed calling the Pentagon “disarrayed” under Hegseth. Pot, meet kettle. ☕
The White House, naturally, is backing Hegseth like a faulty parachute. Spokeswoman Anna Kelly basically said: “Fake news! Nothing to see here!” 🙈 Congressional Democrats, on the other hand, are calling for Hegseth’s head. Senator Tammy Duckworth called him “singularly stupid,” which is a polite way of saying “dumber than a box of rocks.” Senator Jack Reed piled on, citing Hegseth’s “reckless disregard” for rules. Rules are for nerds, right, Pete? 🤓
Meanwhile, Jennifer Hegseth continues to enjoy her all-access pass to top-secret meetings, proving that the best way to get ahead in the military is to marry the guy in charge. As for the Yemen strikes, they were apparently designed to punish Houthis for attacking ships. Because nothing says “diplomacy” like bombing. 💣
So, to recap: Defense Secretary shares sensitive info with inner circle (including his wife!), accidentally texts war plans to a magazine editor, and gets called out by Congress. And the Pentagon’s response? “Everything’s fine!” 🤡 Just another day at the circus. 🎪
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