OMG! 😱 The Scorpions, those geriatric rock gods, are STILL alive and kicking…mostly! Klaus Meine, Rudolf Schenker, and Matthias Jabs (who?) apparently gave an interview to some Colombian radio station (Radioacktiva? Sounds like a rejected energy drink 🤮) about whether they’ll grace us with another album after the earth-shattering “Rock Believer” (yeah, I had to Google it too).
Klaus, bless his heart, mumbled something about being too busy touring to actually, you know, make music. 🙄 Apparently, this “60-years-of-Scorpions” (sixty!?!?) celebration is SO important that they can’t possibly find time to write anything new. But hey, maybe a song or two? Don’t get your hopes up, though. It’s probably just another rehash of “Wind of Change” but with, like, autotune.
Rudolf, channeling his inner rock-and-roll grandpa, chimed in with a profound statement about how spending their 60th anniversary in the studio would be “terrible.” 🤣 Instead, they’re gonna “party like crazy” (probably with prune juice and Werther’s Originals) and enjoy the fact that “rock is still living” (debatable) and that THEY’RE still living (even more debatable). He also said “we love you” to the fans. I’m not buying it. He probably just wants you to buy more tickets to their never-ending farewell tour.
Oh, but wait! There’s more conflicting information! 🤯 Two months ago, Klaus told Scorpions Brazil (because Brazil is apparently the last bastion of Scorpions fandom) that there are “many good reasons” why they *should* make new music. It’s “so much fun,” you see! And they have a “great team” (probably just a bunch of interns who fetch their Metamucil). And their co-producer, Hans-Martin Buff (who sounds like a character from a German porno), just won a Grammy for his work with Peter Gabriel on 3D sounds! 3D sounds!?? What is this, the future? Are we gonna have to wear special glasses to listen to the new Scorpions album? 👓
But then, the plot thickens! Klaus then contradicted himself AGAIN by saying that it’s “not the time anymore really to make albums.” 🤔 So which is it, Klaus? Are you gonna make new music or not? Stop teasing us! Just kidding, I don’t actually care. He did say recording a few songs “would be a good thing,” because, you know, gotta wake up that creativity! (which is probably fossilized at this point). He ended with a vague “let’s see how it goes this year” and a reminder that they have “so many shows coming up.” Translation: “Please keep buying our tickets so we can afford our retirement homes.” 👵👴
The “Rock Believer” album (seriously, who came up with that title?) was recorded at Peppermint Park Studios in Germany (sounds like a rejected Willy Wonka factory) and mixed at Hansa Studios in Berlin (where David Bowie recorded “Heroes,” which is probably the only interesting thing about this whole story). The engineer was Michael Ilbert, who’s worked with Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. So, yeah, expect the next Scorpions album to be full of catchy pop hooks and sparkly costumes. 🙄
Originally, they wanted to record in Los Angeles with Greg Fidelman (who’s worked with Slipknot and Metallica), but then the pandemic happened, and they decided to do it themselves with the help of Hans-Martin Buff (that name is still hilarious). Because, you know, nothing screams “cutting-edge rock” like a bunch of septuagenarians producing their own album remotely. 🤣
“Rock Believer” was their first release since 2017’s “Born To Touch Your Feelings – Best Of Rock Ballads.” I’m not even gonna comment on that title.
Before that, they released “Return To Forever,” which was partially comprised of songs they found in the vault from the ’80s. So basically, they’re just recycling old garbage and selling it to unsuspecting fans. It was also the last album with James Kottak, who was fired in 2016 and replaced by Mikkey Dee from Motörhead. So, at least they upgraded their drummer. Though, let’s be honest, anyone is better than Kottak at that point.
Speaking of Mikkey Dee, the Scorpions had to postpone their Las Vegas residency because he was hospitalized with a “very serious blood infection (Sepsis).” 🤢 Get well soon!
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
