LEGENDS OF CLASSIC ROCK, a supergroup so legendary it makes Spinal Tap look like a well-adjusted support group, graced the hallowed halls of “Late Night With Seth Meyers” to hawk Starbucks’ new Iced Energy concoctions. Yes, you read that right. These titans of rock, who once commanded stadiums, are now shilling caffeinated sugar water. Has rock ‘n’ roll truly sunk this low? Asking for a friend…who’s also judging their life choices. 🤣
The band, a Frankensteinian creation comprised of Terry Ilous (ex-GREAT WHITE, proving that some stains are just impossible to wash out), Greg D’Angelo (formerly of WHITE LION, because hair metal never truly dies, it just gets repurposed for beverage endorsements), Chuck Wright (QUIET RIOT and ALICE COOPER survivor – seriously, how did he make it out alive?), Jake Faun (who apparently once shared oxygen with someone in DAVID LEE ROTH‘s vicinity), and some keyboard guy named Chris Turbis (who probably knows all the Starbucks secret menu items), resurrected a 20-year-old Starbucks commercial. This time, they replaced the original star with Seth Meyers, because apparently, he needs more energy to read jokes written by other people. ☕
The skit, a blatant rip-off of Starbucks‘ “Eye Of The Tiger” commercial (because originality is SO overrated), features Seth Meyers wandering around backstage, presumably searching for his dignity. The band, like a group of caffeinated stalkers, cheers on Meyers‘ newfound focus and energy, all thanks to the magical elixir of Starbucks Iced Energy. They even changed the lyrics of “Eye Of The Tiger” to include “Seth,” because subtlety is clearly not in their repertoire. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, except the train is made of spandex and hairspray. 🤘
This appearance follows the launch of a national commercial created by the creative geniuses at BBDO and Hungry Man Inc. (yes, that’s a real company name). In the commercial, LEGENDS OF CLASSIC ROCK (and I use that term loosely) musically motivate an office drone named Roy, who’s probably contemplating his life choices while guzzling Starbucks Iced Energy. They provide the soundtrack to his existential crisis with their butchered rendition of “Eye Of The Tiger.” Because nothing says “corporate sellout” like a classic rock anthem turned jingle. 🎶
Apparently, this commercial has already garnered over 40 million views on social media, which is either a testament to the power of caffeine or the sheer morbid curiosity of the internet. You can catch it on Netflix, Hulu, Peacock, and other streaming platforms, presumably right before you question all your life decisions. 📺
“It’s cheeky, it’s joyful, and it’s classic rock. We had a blast poking fun at ourselves,” said Ilous. Or, as I like to call it, “self-deprecating marketing.” Because nothing screams “rock ‘n’ roll” like selling out for a caffeine fix. 🙄
With over 30 million records sold between them (mostly in the 80s), a No. 1 album on Billboard 200 (again, in the 80s), 12 Billboard Hot 100 hits (you guessed it, the 80s), and a Grammy nomination for “Best Hard Rock Performance” (seriously, were there no other hard rock bands in the 80s?), the members of LEGENDS OF CLASSIC ROCK are apparently still clinging to the limelight. Their ongoing tour has rocked over 300 shows since 2022, which is impressive considering they’re probably all eligible for AARP. They’ve even taken their geriatric rock show to sea, performing aboard Royal Caribbean‘s new flagship Icon Of The Seas. Because nothing says “luxury cruise” like washed-up rockers playing the same three songs they wrote 40 years ago. 🚢
A clip of LEGENDS OF CLASSIC ROCK‘s appearance on “Late Night with Seth Meyers” can be seen below, if you dare. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. ⚠️
Meyers, bless his heart, has even posted the latest Starbucks ad to his personal Instagram page. Because apparently, he needs the validation of social media to feel good about selling out. 🤳
Starbucks‘ RTD Iced Energy drinks are zero sugar, 5 calories, and have 160 milligrams of plant-based caffeine. So basically, it’s flavored water with a kick. Starbucks canned versions come in three flavors: Starbucks Iced Energy Tropical Peach, Starbucks Iced Energy Watermelon Twist, and Starbucks Iced Energy Blueberry Lemonade. Because apparently, those are the only fruits that exist in the Starbucks universe. 🍉🍑🍋
12 ounce cans of Starbucks Iced Energy drinks are available in U.S. grocery stores, national retailers, convenience stores, and gas stations, as well as online for the suggested retail price of $2.99. So go ahead, waste your money on this sugary concoction. You’ll probably need it to cope with the existential dread of watching your favorite rock stars sell out. 💸
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
