BREAKING: Has-Been Band DEF LEPPARD Hauls Vivian Campbell’s Corpse Onstage For One Last Paycheck! 👴🎸💀
So, apparently, DEF LEPPARD, those guys who peaked before most of you were even born, dragged guitarist Vivian Campbell out of his sickbed (or maybe a cryogenic freezer, who knows?) to play a gig in Puerto Rico. Because, you know, the hospital bills aren’t gonna pay themselves, and Joe Elliott needs another yacht 🛥️. Sources say that the only reason why the show happened is that the band needs money to buy new wigs.
Here’s the setlist, meticulously compiled by the internet’s foremost authority on washed-up bands, Setlist.fm:
01. Rock! Rock! (Till You Drop) – More like “Rock! Rock! (Till *We* Drop)” amirite? 😂
02. Rocket – Still waiting for them to launch into obscurity 🚀
03. Let’s Get Rocked – More like “Let’s Get Geriatric” 👴
04. Foolin’ – Yeah, they’re foolin’ themselves if they think people still care 🤡
05. Armageddon It – Armageddon is when this band finally calls it quits 🙏
06. Animal – The only animal here is Joe Elliott’s hairpiece 🦁
07. Love Bites – Just like the IRS when they see Def Leppard’s tax returns 💸
08. Just Like ’73 – More like just like they’ll be playing in 2073, still milking the same hits 🐄
09. Let It Go – Seriously, guys, just let it go 🕊️
10. Take What You Want – Mostly money from unsuspecting fans who still think it’s 1987 💰
11. Die Hard The Hunter – More like “Die Hard The AARP Member” 👵
12. This Guitar – Probably needs a good dusting 🎸✨
13. Two Steps Behind – That’s how far behind the times they are 🕰️
14. Bringin’ On The Heartbreak – Mostly to their accountants when they see the tour expenses 💔
15. Switch 625 – The number of times Joe Elliott has changed his hair extensions 💇
16. Rock Of Ages – More like Rock of Geriatrics 🧓
17. Photograph – Proof that they were once relevant 📸
Encore:
18. Hysteria – What the audience experiences when they realize they paid for this 🤪
19. Pour Some Sugar On Me – The only sugar Joe Elliott gets these days is in his Metamucil 🥄
If you’re desperate enough, you can watch fan-filmed video of the performance below. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. Viewer discretion is advised. May cause nausea, existential dread, and a sudden urge to listen to real music 🤢.
Apparently, Campbell, who’s, like, ancient 👴 (62 in human years, 200 in rock star years), missed a couple of gigs because his bone marrow was staging a revolt against his Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Or maybe he just needed a nap 😴. Who knows? For those two shows, they replaced him with John Zocco, who’s apparently Phil Collen‘s guitar tech. So, basically, they replaced a guitarist with *another* guitarist. Groundbreaking stuff, people! 🤯
Back in January, Vivian released a heartfelt statement on social media, thanking fans for their “recent messages and support.” Awww, how touching 🥰. He went on to say that his bone marrow transplant was “a very successful transplant!” Which is great news! Now he can go back to playing the same tired songs for the next 50 years! 🎉
During a November 2023 appearance on the “Lymphoma Voices” podcast, Campbell droned on about his battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which he was diagnosed with in 2013. He compared it to “whac-a-mole.” Which, let’s be honest, is probably more exciting than a DEF LEPPARD concert these days 🤷. He talked about immunotherapy, chemo drugs he can’t remember the names of (probably because they were developed before he was born), and his stunning haircut 💇. Riveting stuff! 😴
Asked if he’s gotten used to his shorter haircut, Vivian went on a rambling monologue about how he’s a shy person and his long hair gave him something to hide behind on stage. Boo-hoo 😭. Maybe he should try hiding behind his guitar skills instead? Just a thought 🤔.
He then recounted a tale about a theatrical wig maker and a very expensive, very realistic wig that he wore for all of 12 minutes. The suspense is killing me! 🙄 He decided to go public about his cancer diagnosis, which, let’s be honest, was probably the most interesting thing he’s done in decades 📰.
Campbell added that he was able to tell DEF LEPPARD fans about his cancer diagnosis on social media, so they wouldn’t be too shocked when he went on stage “as bald as a cue ball.” He found the whole process “somewhat cathartic” because he had nothing to offer on stage but his “talents as a musician, as a guitarist, as a singer, as a songwriter.” Which, let’s be honest, are debatable at this point 🎤😬.
He went on to say that it was “easier for him” because he was already in his early fifties. “I don’t think I would have handled that as well if I had gotten this cancer when I was 20 years old.” Yeah, because when you’re 20, you actually have a career to worry about, not just coasting on past glories 💯.
“So it *is* a very personal thing,” Vivian said. “But for me, I tried to look on the positive side of it. I didn’t see any shame in it. There’s no shame in having cancer. There’s no shame in going through treatment and wearing the effects of your treatment physically, and even being in a very public position as I was, going on tour with DEF LEPPARD and playing in front of tens of thousands of people.” Yeah, well, there *is* shame in charging those tens of thousands of people to watch you play the same songs you’ve been playing for the last 40 years 🤷.
Campbell—who, before joining DEF LEPPARD in 1992, was well known for his work with DIO and WHITESNAKE—went public with his Hodgkin’s lymphoma diagnosis in June 2013. So, basically, he’s been milking this for over a decade. Smart move! 🧠
Vivian underwent three separate spells of chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant, only for his Hodgkin’s lymphoma to return. Because, you know, life’s a b*tch, and then you play in DEF LEPPARD 😭.
Six years ago, Campbell underwent spine surgery. Because, you know, rocking out that hard takes a toll on your body 🤘.
Vivian and his DEF LEPPARD bandmates were finally inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame in March 2019—14 years after the British rockers first became eligible. Yeah, because they’re *so* influential 🙄. They probably only got in because someone felt sorry for them 🥺.
DEF LEPPARD‘s latest album, “Diamond Star Halos”, arrived in May 2022 via UMe. Did anyone even notice? 🤔 Probably not 🤷.
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