Okay, so Nintendo, bless their hearts 🙄, just dropped a bombshell 💣. Apparently, they’re gracing us with Splatoon Raiders, the *first ever* spinoff because, you know, three main games weren’t enough to milk 🐄 the squid-kid 🦑 market dry. And get this – it’s exclusively for the Nintendo Switch 2! Because who needs backwards compatibility when you can just force everyone to buy a new console? 💸 Genius move, Nintendo, pure genius. 🧠
Nintendo, in their infinite wisdom (or maybe just after a few too many espressos ☕), decided to unveil this groundbreaking masterpiece with a video titled “Research Report from Squid Research Lab.” I’m not sure what’s more hilarious, the fact that they have a “Squid Research Lab” or that they think we’re actually interested in their “research.” 🔬 But hey, at least it doubles as a way to announce their next cash grab, I mean, *Splatoon* title. Instead of giving us a proper sequel (you know, Splatoon 4, the one we actually want), they’re throwing us a spinoff. It’s like ordering a pizza 🍕 and getting a breadstick instead. Thanks, Nintendo! 👍
In Splatoon Raiders, we’ll be playing as a mechanic. Yes, a mechanic. Because who wouldn’t want to spend their time fixing stuff in a world full of colorful ink and chaotic battles? 🛠️ And we’ll be adventuring with Deep Cut, because apparently, they’re still relevant. 🤷♂️ The trailer, which you can see below (if you dare), shows them chasing after a yellow beam. It’s giving me Scooby Doo vibes, ngl. 🐕
The Deep Cut trio, Shiver, Frye, and Big Man (whoever came up with these names deserves a raise 💰), are on a grand adventure to the mysterious Spirhalite Island. The trailer doesn’t show much, but from what I gathered, the game will probably involve lots of running, maybe some jumping, and definitely a whole lot of ink. 🏃♀️🏃♂️ They’re chasing after a yellow beam, probably because it leads to more microtransactions. 💸
The teaser trailer is about as exciting as watching paint dry 🎨. It’s a tease, alright, a tease of what could have been. They tell us that research is still in progress, which is code for “we have no idea what we’re doing, but we’ll take your money anyway.” 🤑 But wait, there’s more! A free update for Splatoon 3 is coming! 🎉 It includes the Splatlands collection, with new weapons from Barazushi and Emberz. These weapons have different sub and special weapons. There are a total of 30 new weapon kits in this collection. Because nothing says “we care about our fans” like adding more stuff to buy. 🛍️
The update also confirms that Splatoon 3 players will be able to play together across both Nintendo Switch and Nintendo Switch 2. So, if you’re one of the suckers who buys the new console, you can still play with your friends who haven’t fallen for Nintendo’s trap. 🤝 As for Splatoon Raiders, we’ll have to wait for more information. Which probably means we’ll be waiting forever. ⏳
In conclusion, Splatoon Raiders sounds like a desperate attempt to keep the *Splatoon* franchise alive. But hey, who knows? Maybe it’ll be a masterpiece. But I highly doubt it. 🤣
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
