Okay, so GeForce NOW, bless its little heart, has decided to grace us peasants with the entire mainline Borderlands saga. Yes, all four games. Why? Oh, probably because Borderlands 4 is dropping soon, and they need to squeeze every last drop of cash 💰 from our wallets. It’s not like anyone actually *asked* for this. I mean, who needs to own the games when you can RENT them from the CLOUD? ☁️ Brilliant strategy, NVIDIA, truly groundbreaking. 🙄
So, GeForce NOW, for those of you who haven’t ascended to PC gaming godhood and built your own rig, is a “unique” service. What’s so unique about it? Well, it lets you play games without, you know, actually owning the hardware to run them. Revolutionary! They add games to their “cloud streaming service,” which is just a fancy way of saying “someone else’s computer,” and then you pay them a subscription fee to pretend you’re not a console peasant. 🤣 And if you REALLY want to LARP as a PC gamer, you can shell out for the “Ultimate” tier, which gives you access to a “GeForce RTX GPU” somewhere in a server farm. It’s like owning a Ferrari…that you can only drive on a digital racetrack and someone else is changing the tires. 🤡
This week, in a move that will surely be remembered for centuries, GeForce NOW has added Borderlands Game of the Year Enhanced, Borderlands 2, Borderlands 3, and Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel. Yes, all the games you probably already own on Steam, Epic, and your grandma’s dusty old Xbox 360. But hey, now you can play them…in the cloud! ☁️ Because nothing says “immersion” like input lag and pixelated textures. Oh, and FBC: Firebreak is coming too. I’m sure you’re all thrilled. 🎉
Here’s a totally comprehensive list of all the games being added this month. Prepare to be amazed:
REMATCH (Never heard of it)
Broken Arrow (Sounds like a rejected Tom Clancy title)
Crime Simulator (Finally, a game where I can simulate paying taxes!)
Date Everything! (Desperate much?)
FBC: Firebreak (Okay, this one might be alright)
Lost in Random: The Eternal Die (Sounds cheerful)
Architect Life: A House Design Simulator (The Sims but boring)
Borderlands Game of the Year Enhanced (Again?!)
Borderlands 2 (Still milking this cow, huh?)
Borderlands 3 (Microtransactions: The Game)
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (The one everyone forgets exists)
METAL EDEN Demo (Probably abandoned)
Torque Drift 2 (Fast and Furious reject)
But wait, there’s more! GeForce NOW is *totally* not trying to capitalize on the hype for Borderlands 4. Nope, not at all. It’s just a happy coincidence that they’re adding all the old games right before the new one comes out. Totally organic. 🌱 And according to CGMagazine, Borderlands 4 is “Borderlands 1, but better, louder, faster, and with shockingly little between you and the action.” In other words, it’s the same game you’ve been playing for a decade, but with more explosions and loot boxes. 💥
So, if you’re a die-hard Borderlands fan with a crippling fear of owning physical media, or if you just really, really hate your money, then GeForce NOW might be for you. Otherwise, I’d recommend sticking to your own hardware and maybe investing in a good therapist to deal with your Borderlands addiction. 🤷♀️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
