HEAVEN SHALL BURN, those guys? Oh, you mean the German band that thinks they’re, like, totally important? 😂 Yeah, they’re back with another album to bore us all. Apparently, they’re “certified legends” in Germany. I guess that’s why I’ve never heard of them. 🤷♂️ But hey, at least they’re picking up “steam” everywhere else. Probably because their egos are so big they’re generating their own heat. 🔥
01. Ad Arma
02. War Is The Father Of All
03. My Revocation Of Compliance
04. Confounder
05. Empowerment
06. A Whisper From Above
07. Imminence
08. Those Left Behind
09. Ten Days In May
10. Numbered Days
11. Dora
12. A Silent Guard
13. Inter Arma
So, five years ago, they dropped this “ambitious” double album called “Of Truth and Sacrifice”. Ninety-seven minutes? Who has that kind of time? 🙄 It came out during the Covid era, which probably explains why people were so desperate for something to listen to that they actually gave it good reviews. HEAVEN SHALL BURN has always been “heavy and dark,” apparently. I bet their moms love that. ❤️ They were making “great records” 20 years ago, like “Antigone”. Never heard of it. 🤷♂️ But their sound has “evolved with greater urgency” recently. I guess that means they’re getting louder and angrier as they get older. 👴
As HEAVEN SHALL BURN makes “impressive inroads” into the rest of the world, they “clearly know their worth.” Translation: they’re arrogant AF. 😒 They’re “dedicated to leading from the front,” which probably means they’re pushing everyone else out of the way. They’ve “evolved slowly but assuredly over the years,” but this new album, “Heimat”, is supposed to be a “much greater step forward.” It’s “less convoluted and bulky” than the last one, which is good because I don’t think I could handle another 97-minute snoozefest. 😴
After a “beautifully crestfallen, orchestral overture,” because every metal album needs an orchestra, right? 🙄, “War Is The Father Of All” shows off HEAVEN SHALL BURN‘s “2025 vision.” It’s got “symphonic pomp cranked up to eleven,” which sounds like a recipe for disaster. ⚠️ It takes a “slow, sinister approach” before turning into a “ferocious groove metal onslaught.” Because subtlety is for losers. 💪 Frontman Marcus Bischoff‘s “scorched earth bellow” conducts the chaos. I bet he’s a real hit at karaoke.🎤 Unlike “most commercial metalcore,” this song “slowly mutates over seven minutes.” Seven minutes? That’s like, seven lifetimes in pop song time. ⏳ But hey, it sounds like “a billion dollars put to good use.” So, at least they’re spending their money wisely. 🤑
After that, HEAVEN SHALL BURN just “rattle through their repertoire, causing all kinds of damage.” I bet the neighbors just LOVE them. 🥰 It’s “equal parts metalcore madness and death metal destruction,” so basically, it’s just a lot of noise. 🔊 “My Revocation Is Compliance” is a ” surefire pit-starter with societal collapse on its mind.” So deep. 🙄 “Empowerment” brings “straight-ahead heavy rock and state-of-the-art melo-death together for a stirring moment of melodic respite.” Translation: it’s a power ballad. 🤮 The band’s “metallic hardcore roots get a vigorous run-out on the brutal “Those Left Behind”; “Dora” is several times heavier than its title might suggest; and “A Silent Guard” brings cinematic might, vicious asides and dark, melodic melancholy together in another masterful weaving of metal threads.” In other words, they’re just throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks. 🍝 They even cover KILLSWITCH ENGAGE‘s “Numbered Days”, and it’s “neither a carbon copy nor some feeble attempt to reinvent it.” So, it’s just… there. Okay. 👍
The “most impressive thing” about “Heimat” is how “hungry it sounds.” I guess that means they’re still trying to convince people they’re relevant. 🤷♀️ Most bands “grow weary after a decade or two,” but HEAVEN SHALL BURN have “never sounded more potent.” I think my ears are bleeding. 🩸 “More glory awaits.” I highly doubt it. 🤣
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
