Labor Day is OVER, folks! 😭 Get ready for the annual cinematic garbage truck to back up and unload directly into your eyeballs! 🍿 First up, Netflix – because of course it is – is gracing us with the release dates for the *third* Benoit Blanc “mystery” (air quotes VERY intentional). You know, the one where Rian Johnson continues to try and convince us he’s the next Agatha Christie, and Daniel Craig inexplicably keeps saying yes. Wake Up Dead Man will traumatize theaters in November before crash-landing on Netflix in December, ensuring maximum holiday boredom. 🎁
Johnson himself, bless his heart, told Tudum (yes, that’s a real thing) that this film is Blanc’s “most personal journey yet.” Oh, honey, no. 🙄 He’s “forced to engage with the case – and with himself – in a way that’s completely new.” I bet it involves a quirky sweater and a convoluted plot twist you see coming from a mile away. This is going to be the most dangerous Benoit Blanc adventure yet 😈
They even blessed us with a poster. A POSTER! As if that’s going to make me forget the last two of these things. Spoiler alert: It looks exactly like the other ones. Maybe a different font this time? Who knows, who cares? 🤷♀️
But wait, there’s MORE! They actually gave us a plot synopsis. Get ready for this masterpiece of contrived storytelling:
Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) returns for his most dangerous case yet in the third and darkest chapter of Rian Johnson’s murder mystery opus. When young priest Jud Duplenticy (Josh O’Connor) is sent to assist charismatic firebrand Monsignor Jefferson Wicks (Josh Brolin), it’s clear that all is not well in the pews. Wicks’s modest-but-devoted flock includes devout church lady Martha Delacroix (Glenn Close), circumspect groundskeeper Samson Holt (Thomas Haden Church), tightly-wound lawyer Vera Draven, Esq. (Kerry Washington), aspiring politician Cy Draven (Daryl McCormack), town doctor Nat Sharp (Jeremy Renner), best-selling author Lee Ross (Andrew Scott), and concert cellist Simone Vivane (Cailee Spaeny). After a sudden and seemingly impossible murder rocks the town, the lack of an obvious suspect prompts local police chief Geraldine Scott (Mila Kunis) to join forces with renowned detective Benoit Blanc to unravel a mystery that defies all logic.
Okay, let’s unpack this dumpster fire. A young priest, a charismatic Monsignor, a “modest-but-devoted flock” (eye roll), and a murder that “defies all logic.” Is this a movie or a bad Mad Libs game? 🤣 I’m already predicting the twist: Everyone did it! Or no one did it! Or… aliens! 👽 Anything is possible when Rian Johnson is at the helm.
And seriously, Jeremy Renner as a town doctor? I miss Hawkeye.
Wake Up Dead Man is being unleashed in theaters on November 26 (because Thanksgiving needs more drama) before being unleashed on Netflix on December 12 (just in time to ruin your Christmas). Oh, and it’s also playing at the Toronto International Film Festival (September 6) and the BFI London Film Festival (October 8). Because apparently, film festivals have a quota for “overhyped, ultimately disappointing” movies. 🤷♂️
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
