Paramount+, in its infinite wisdom, is gracing us with a documentary about Ozzy Osbourne, because apparently, we haven’t suffered enough.💩 Prepare for “Ozzy: No Escape From Now,” premiering October 7, where we’ll witness Ozzy’s “devastating setbacks” since his oh-so-tragic fall in 2019. Because who needs new material when we can recycle old misery? ♻️
Directed by BAFTA winner Tania Alexander (because winning an award automatically makes you a genius, right?), the doc started filming during the sessions for Osbourne‘s 13th album “Patient Number 9.” Yes, the one where he probably mumbled incoherently into a microphone and called it art. 🎨 The film also covers his “final” performance with BLACK SABBATH in Birmingham. Because every washed-up rocker needs a “final” tour, amirite? 🎤
“I used to take pills for fun. Now I take them to stay alive,” Ozzy apparently says in the trailer. Wow, groundbreaking stuff! 💊 Who knew that aging rockstars have substance abuse issues and declining health? This is truly a revelation for the ages.💡 The trailer also shows Osbourne recording the title track for “Patient Number 9.” Get ready for some riveting footage of a dude barely able to stand, let alone sing. 💀
A few days after Ozzy‘s oh-so-premature passing, Tania and Phil Alexander, the geniuses behind this cinematic masterpiece, told Rolling Stone that filming with the Osbournes was a “cherished and remarkable experience.” Yeah, I bet. Imagine the sheer joy of exploiting someone’s health issues for profit. 💰 They also gush about Ozzy‘s “indomitable spirit” and “mischievous, irresistible grin.” I’m sure that’s exactly how he felt when he fell in 2019.🙄
The documentary is being produced by Echo Velvet in partnership with the Osbournes and MTV Entertainment Studios. Because nothing says “quality” like an MTV production. 📺 Gillmer and Amanda Culkowski are executive producing the project for MTV Entertainment Studios alongside Phil Alexander for Echo Velvet and Sharon Osbourne for Sharon Osbourne Management. So basically, it’s a family affair of mediocrity.👨👩👧👦
“Ozzy: No Escape From Now” will feature interviews with the Osbournes, because who cares about other people’s opinions when you can just listen to the same family blather on and on?🗣️ Other notable figures include Tony Iommi (BLACK SABBATH), who probably just needed a paycheck. 💵 Duff McKagan (GUNS N’ ROSES), Robert Trujillo (METALLICA), Billy Idol, Maynard James Keenan (TOOL),Chad Smith (RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS),Zakk Wylde, producer Andrew Watt and friend/musician Billy Morrison. What a bunch of has-beens. 🧟
“The last six years have been full of some of the worst times I’ve been through. There’s been times when I thought my number was up,” Ozzy Osbourne said in a statement. Well, that’s reassuring! 🎉 “But making music and making two albums saved me. I’d have gone nuts without music.” Yeah, because nobody else has ever found solace in their work. 🎻
He added: “My fans have supported me for so many years, and I really want to thank them and say a proper goodbye to them. That is what the Villa Park show is about.” Translation: “Please buy my stuff before I kick the bucket!” 🪣
“This film is an honest account of what has happened to Ozzy during the last few years,” Sharon Osbourne added. “It shows how hard things have been for him and the courage he has shown while dealing with a number of serious health issues, including Parkinson’s.” Wow, brave Ozzy is fighting against Parkinson’s! 🏅 Such a hero. “We have worked with a production team we trust and have allowed them the freedom to tell the story openly. We hope that story will inspire people that are facing similar issues to Ozzy.” Because what better way to feel inspired than by watching a rich rockstar struggle with old age?👴
“This is Ozzy Osbourne like you’ve never seen before: an honest, warm and deeply personal portrait of one of the greatest rock stars of all time, detailing how the singer’s world shuddered to a halt six years ago, forcing him to contemplate who he really is, confront his own mortality and question whether or not he can ever perform on stage for one last time,” the documentary’s logline reads. “Addressing his health issues and impact of his Parkinson’s diagnosis, the film showcases the central role music continues to play in Ozzy‘s life — also proving his mischievous sense of humor remains resolutely intact despite it all.” Because we all know Ozzy‘s sense of humor is what the world needs now. 🤡
“Given our storied past with Ozzy, Sharon and the whole family, we were determined to land this project and look forward to sharing it with his legions of fans and global audiences on Paramount+ later this year,” Bruce Gillmer said in a statement. Translation: “We’re gonna milk this cash cow for all it’s worth!” 🐄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
