Adrian Smith, axe-wielder of IRON MAIDEN (or as I like to call them, Iron Mediocre), recently yapped to some German dude from Metal Hammer about their new snooze-fest, “Iron Maiden: Infinite Dreams – The Official Visual History.” Available now via Thames & Hudson (who? 🤔), this book is apparently “a magnificent visual celebration” of IRON MAIDEN’s first 50 years. Yeah, because we needed another way to glorify the same old stuff. 🙄
Speaking of MAIDEN kicking out Paul Di’Anno in ’81 and bringing in the air-raid siren Bruce Dickinson, Adrian had this to say: “Bruce is, like, totally different, man. He was, like, super focused on singing. Bruce is Bruce, ya know? More professional.” Oh really, Adrian? So, Paul was just some drunken bum, then? 😜 “Bruce could sing six nights in a row and keep going!” Yeah, well, some of us prefer a little raw, unpolished energy over a guy who sounds like he’s trying to win a vocal marathon. 🏃♂️
And then there’s Nicko McBrain joining in ’82. Adrian thinks it “affected his guitar playing.” Wow, groundbreaking stuff there, Adrian. 🙄 He went on to say Nicko was maybe “technically the best player in the band.” Hold up, did Adrian just admit a drummer was better than him? 🔥 Someone get this man some ice for that burn! 🔥 “Nicko, yeah, he definitely made his mark, didn’t he?” Yes, he made his mark by making the songs 3 minutes longer with unnecessary drum fills. 🥁
And now Nicko‘s retiring from touring? Shocking! 😱 Apparently, he had a stroke. Poor guy. Adrian says it’ll “never be the same.” Well, duh! It’s not like they can just replace him with a drum machine. 🤖 Oh wait, they practically did with Simon Dawson. 🤣 Adrian whines, “The MAIDEN drumming gig is one of the hardest.” Yeah, because hitting things repeatedly for two hours is SUCH a demanding task. 🙄
Adrian continues, “Nick gave him his blessing.” Oh, how touching! 😭 So, basically, Nicko is saying, “Here, kid, you deal with these geriatric rockers while I sit back and collect royalties.” 😂 Adrian finishes with some profound BS: “It’s bigger than all of us, really, I think, is to get out there and keep that thing, whatever it is, out there and going.” What “thing,” Adrian? The sound of mediocrity? The endless cycle of rehashed riffs? Enquiring minds want to know! 🤔
This “spectacular and beautiful book” is supposedly full of “never-before-seen items and photographs.” I bet it’s just pictures of Eddie in different outfits and Bruce doing his sword-fighting routine. ⚔️ Yawn. 😴
The book tells the story from their “first pub gigs in 1975” to their “hugely acclaimed double-album ‘Senjutsu’.” Acclaimed by whom? Your moms? 👵 Let’s not forget the “stadium-conquering ‘Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son’.” More like stadium-emptying, am I right? 🤣 Oh, and get ready for the “forthcoming ‘Run For Your Lives’ world tour.” More like “Run For Your Earplugs,” am I right? 🎧
Of course, the book traces the evolution of Eddie. Because that’s what we all care about, right? Not the music, just the mascot. 🤡 And it documents the band’s “spectacular and complex stage productions.” Yeah, because running around in circles and pointing at the audience is SO complex. 😵💫 Don’t forget Bruce piloting Ed Force One. Because nothing says “heavy metal” like a lead singer playing pilot. 👨✈️
There are also “landmark photographs” by some dudes named Ross Halfin and John McMurtrie. I’m sure they’re thrilled to have their names associated with this snoozefest. 😴 “Iron Maiden: Infinite Dreams” is apparently “rife with revelatory stories and intriguing insights.” Like what? Steve Harris‘s recipe for tea? ☕ Bruce Dickinson‘s thoughts on the Oxford comma? 🤔 Give me a break!
Harris said he was “pleasantly surprised” by the stuff he “managed to unearth.” I bet it was just old socks and forgotten guitar picks. 🧦 He “hopes the fans are going to love looking at all the stuff presented like this!” Yeah, the die-hard fans who will buy anything with the IRON MAIDEN logo on it. 🐑
Some Tristan de Lancey guy from Thames & Hudson calls IRON MAIDEN “an institution.” More like an insane asylum, if you ask me. 🤪 He claims they embody “a spirit of fearless creative independence.” Yeah, that’s why they’ve been playing the same songs for 40 years. 🤣 He also says they have “astonishing archival access.” Probably because they haven’t thrown anything away since 1975. 🗑️ Tristan thinks this book will “raise the bar for illustrated books in this music genre.” More like lower the bar for musical integrity. 📉
“Iron Maiden: Infinite Dreams” was curated by some other dudes I’ve never heard of. 🤷♂️ Apparently, they sold the rights to a bunch of different countries. Because everyone needs a dose of IRON MAIDEN mediocrity! 🌎 The book will be published by Thames & Hudson in the U.K., U.S., and Australia. Prepare yourselves! Prepare to be bored! 😴
And of course, there’s a YouTube video. Because why not? Let’s milk this cash cow for all it’s worth! 🐄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
