In a groundbreaking interview with Chile’s prestigious SonarFM (a.k.a. the only radio station willing to talk to him), AVANTASIA overlord Tobias Sammet (yes, *that* Tobias Sammet) was asked the tough questions: mainly, if he, the undisputed king of epic metal operas, was, like, *totally* bummed out by the recent, *alleged* passings of Ace Frehley (who?) and Ozzy Osbourne (the bat-biting dude, right?). Tobias, ever the deep thinker, responded with the kind of profound insight that only a man who has written 700 concept albums about dragons 🐉 and wizards 🧙 can deliver.
Tobias, bless his heart, began his soliloquy by stating the obvious: “Absolutely.” Because, duh! 🙄 Apparently, whenever someone even remotely connected to his childhood shuffles off this mortal coil (or is rumored to, anyway), Tobias has a full-blown existential crisis. He then went on to clarify that while it’s probably “way more devastating” for the *actual* families and friends of these rock legends (a novel concept!), it still feels like a tiny piece of his precious childhood crumbles into dust. Cue the violins 🎻.
He then launched into a nostalgic ode to Ace Frehley, whom he remembers, not as a mediocre guitarist in a band that wore more makeup than a drag queen on prom night 💄, but as a pivotal figure in his journey to becoming the rock god he is today. Without Ace, Tobias might never have picked up a microphone, let alone inflicted his brand of symphonic power metal upon the world. The horror! 😱 “Shock Me,” “Cold Gin,” “Rock Bottom,” “Rip It Out” – these songs, according to Tobias, are the soundtrack of his formative years. Which, frankly, explains a lot.
And then there’s Ozzy. Ah, Ozzy! The “epitome of heavy metal,” according to our Tobias. A rebel, a rock and roll rebel, no less! Someone who took the piss out of everything, which Tobias, in his infinite wisdom, “adored.” Because nothing says “metal” like a good dose of self-deprecating humor, right? 🤣
Tobias, not one to be outdone in the sentimentality department, went on to lament the loss of Tony Clarkin of MAGNUM (whoever that is). Apparently, this one hit him even harder because he *knew* Tony! (Gasp!) And had a “very special relationship” with the whole MAGNUM camp! (Double gasp!!) It was “devastating,” he wailed, before quickly adding that at least they left us a “great legacy.” Because, you know, that makes everything better. 👍
But fear not, dear readers! For even in the face of such profound loss, Tobias Sammet remains the ever-optimistic purveyor of all things bombastic and overblown. He can now listen to MAGNUM without being sad, but rather celebrate Tony’s legacy! What a guy! What a legend! What a… well, you get the idea. 🤔
In related news, Ozzy apparently died of a heart attack (shocking, I know) and Ace Frehley met his untimely demise after falling and hitting his head. (Maybe he tripped over one of his platform boots? Just a thought.) And Tony Clarkin? Well, he had some rare spinal condition. But hey, at least they all lived long enough to witness the glory of AVANTASIA, right?
And speaking of AVANTASIA, Tobias, in a blatant attempt to shamelessly self-promote (as if he needed to), reminded us that AVANTASIA’s tenth (yes, *tenth*!) studio album, “Here Be Dragons,” is out now! Written, composed, produced, and recorded by the man himself (because who else could possibly handle such a monumental task?), this 10-track masterpiece is guaranteed to transport you to a world of dragons, wizards, and enough symphonic bombast to make your ears bleed. 🩸 So go out and buy it! Or don’t. Whatever. Tobias will still be here, churning out epic metal operas until the end of time. ⏳
Photo credit: Some guy named Kevin Nixon, who probably had no idea what he was getting into when he agreed to photograph Tobias Sammet.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
