🎵 When Black Metal Meets Retirement Plans: MAYHEM’s Quest to Outlive Their Fans (and Possibly Themselves) 🧓♂️⚰️
In a shocking turn of events that has left the metal world both terrified and mildly concerned about healthcare plans, Norwegian black metal legends MAYHEM have revealed that they’re not just planning world domination—they’re planning *geriatric domination*. In a recent interview that somehow blended Satanic imagery with pension calculations, bassist Jørn “Necrobutcher” Stubberud dropped more life advice than a Norwegian grandpa at a family reunion. And yes, he used the phrase “state pension” while talking about corpse paint. 🧴💸
Let that sink in: a man who once played bass while wearing what can only be described as “Satan’s Halloween costume” is now planning his retirement around album cycles and government benefits. 💀📊
According to Necrobutcher, the band’s current mission is not just to summon eldritch horrors or desecrate holy sites, but to reach their 50th anniversary like some kind of infernal marathon runners. “If we make it another eight years,” he said with the calm determination of a man discussing grocery lists, “I’ll be 65, and that’s when I get my state pension in Norway. So basically, I’ll have worked my whole life in black metal and retired like a normal person. Achievement unlocked.” 🏆👵
Let’s pause for a moment and appreciate the absurdity: MAYHEM, the band that once made headlines for being *too evil* for mainstream radio, is now using retirement planning as motivation to keep touring. Forget summoning demons—these guys are trying to outlive their orthopedic surgeons. 🏥🩹
And the vision he paints of the future? Oh, it’s glorious. Imagine Hellhammer behind the drum kit in 2033, his double-bass pedals powered not by fury, but by battery-operated hip replacements. Picture Attila Csihar doing his signature otherworldly vocals while holding a cane shaped like a inverted cross. And Necrobutcher himself? He’ll be on stage, bass in hand, yelling lyrics about death while secretly wondering if his medication is due. 💊🪦
But here’s the kicker: he’s *serious*. “We’re not METALLICA,” he said, as if that were an insult. “We’re still an underground band.” Which, fair. They’re not selling out stadiums or making music for car commercials. They’re still doing what they do best: being terrifyingly intense while aging like fine, cursed wine. 🍷🔥
And let’s talk about that new album, “Liturgy Of Death”, dropping February 6, 2026. The title alone sounds like it was written by a goth poet who just discovered joint pain. One can only imagine the lyrics: *”My spine is weak, my soul is old, but I’ll scream your name until I’m cold.”* ❄️🎤
The band’s upcoming “Death Over Europe” tour promises to be a spectacle of endurance. Support acts MARDUK and IMMOLATION will presumably be there to help carry MAYHEM off stage when the inevitable back spasms hit mid-set. 🤸♂️🩼
And let’s not forget the canceled North American tour of 2024, which was called off due to “a medical emergency requiring immediate surgery.” Fans were devastated. Tickets were refunded. And the internet immediately exploded with memes asking if MAYHEM had finally been defeated… by a herniated disc. 🏥😂
But through it all, Necrobutcher remains undeterred. “We go on as long as we can,” he declared, sounding less like a black metal icon and more like a guy说服 his doctor to refill his pain prescription. “You never know when you’re *forced* to stop.”
Truer words have never been spoken by a man who once played bass in a band that had a member *die* and another get *arrested for murder*. And yet, here we are, discussing osteoporosis and retirement benefits like this is a Norwegian episode of *The Golden Girls* but with more blast beats. 👵🥁
So here’s to MAYHEM: the band that brought black metal to the masses, terrorized the Christian right, and now—somehow—is teaching us all about the importance of long-term health planning. 💀🛡️
They may not achieve world peace, but if they make it to their 50th anniversary without needing oxygen tanks on stage, they’ll have achieved something far more miraculous: defying both death *and* actuarial tables. 📈👹
Keep screaming, Jørn. Just remember to stretch before the show. And maybe invest in a good health plan. 🔥🩺
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
