Oh, great, another overpriced gadget from ASUS Republic of Gamers! 🙄 They’ve graced us with the pricing for the ROG Xbox Ally and ROG Xbox Ally X, because, you know, we were all just DYING to know. Spoiler alert: your wallet is gonna cry.😭
Details reveal the ROG Xbox Ally is a steal at only $799 CAD (approximately the price of a used car, if your car is a rusty shopping cart). And if you’re feeling particularly wealthy (or foolish), the ROG Xbox Ally X will set you back a mere $1,299 CAD. Yes, you read that right. For that price, it better mine Bitcoin while I’m not playing it. Pre-orders are “now available in select markets” which basically means if you live in Canada, congrats, you’re a lucky 🇨🇦! The rest of you? Just wait… and wait… and maybe check back in 2077.📅
The ROG Xbox Ally is so exclusive, you can pre-order it at more places than you can count on one hand! 🖐️ We’re talking Amazon, the ASUS Store (duh), Best Buy, Canada Computers, EB Games, London Drugs (?), Memory Express, Staples, and Walmart. I mean, who wouldn’t want to pick up their gaming console while buying groceries? 🛒 It will also be available later at launch at Costco (bulk gaming?), MDG, the Microsoft Store, Newegg and Visions, because apparently, they want to be EVERYWHERE. 🌎
But wait, there’s MORE! The ROG Xbox Ally X (because X is always cooler, right?) is so elite, you can only pre-order it at the ASUS Store and Best Buy. The Microsoft store will get it later. As an extra special incentive for Canadian shoppers, the first 150 people to throw their money at ASUS will get a FREE ROG OMNI figurine. 🎉 I’m sure that will make up for the hole in your bank account.💰
The ROG Xbox Ally and ROG Xbox Ally X are slated to launch on October 16th, 2025. So, you have plenty of time to save up those pennies! 🐷 They’ll be available “virtually everywhere”, which means you can probably find it at your local gas station next to the beef jerky. ⛽ Brazil, India, Indonesia, and Thailand will have to wait, because apparently, their money isn’t as good as ours. 💸
The ROG Xbox Ally is powered by some “AMD Ryzen Z2 A Processor” that promises “incredible energy efficiency.” I bet it does! It will need that energy efficiency to run DOOM. The ROG Xbox Ally X has an “AMD Ryzen AI Z2 Extreme Processor” because they needed to add some random letters to make it sound cooler. 🥶 Apparently, it delivers “next-level performance” in AAA titles, which means you can probably run Crysis on Medium settings. 🤡 Both devices are “significant gen-on-gen improvements” over the previous ROG Ally, so prepare to be amazed by slightly better graphics! ✨
The Xbox Team is working with ROG to ensure gamers get the most out of Xbox titles. Expect “advanced shader delivery for faster boot times.” 🚀 Thank goodness, I was tired of waiting three whole seconds! They will also provide “indications for Handheld Optimization or partial compatibility” on the ROG Xbox Ally and Ally X. I wonder what “partial compatibility” even means. 🤔 Does it explode or something? 💥
If you’re still somehow interested after all this, head to the official site to learn more about the ROG Xbox Ally series. I’m sure they have plenty of marketing jargon to confuse you even further! 😵💫
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
