In a move that has shocked the gaming world (and probably delighted a few basement-dwelling trolls), BioWare has reportedly stripped Mass Effect 5 of all its «woke» content following the spectacular dumpster fire that was Dragon Age: The Veilguard. Remember The Veilguard? The game where you could romance a tree and every character had pronouns in their Twitter bio? Yeah, that one. Turns out gamers weren’t so keen on being lectured about social justice while trying to slay dragons. Who knew? 🤔
So, BioWare execs, in their infinite wisdom, decided to perform an emergency «woke-ectomy» on Mass Effect 5, presumably to avoid another commercial flop. But there’s just one tiny problem: after removing all the gender-neutral bathrooms and lectures on intersectionality, they were left with a game that’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. Seriously, it’s rumored that the only things left are a few cutscenes and the credits. Ouch. 😂
Now, the developers are scrambling to fill the gaping void in their game. And in a truly bizarre twist, they’re apparently considering adding a character based on everyone’s favorite conservative firebrand, Tucker Carlson. That’s right, the man who once called Greta Thunberg a «whiny little goblin» might be the savior of the Milky Way. And to make things even more interesting, the enemies in the game will reportedly have Greta’s face plastered on them. Talk about a boss battle! 😈
Of course, this is all just rumor and speculation at this point. But if it’s true, it’s sure to be one of the most entertaining (and politically incorrect) games of all time. Just imagine: Tucker Carlson blasting away hordes of Greta Thunbergs with a space shotgun while shouting, «Facts don’t care about your feelings!» It’s the kind of glorious, over-the-top absurdity that the internet was made for. 🍿
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
