Sonyâs latest superhero movie «Kraven the Hunter» has officially claimed the crown for the worst opening weekend in the studioâs Marvel Cinematic Universe. With a laughably low $11 million haul from 3,211 theaters, this catastrophe outflopped even «Madame Web», which managed a still-embarrassing $15.3 million debut. Letâs face it: when your movieâs main competition is itself for «worst of all time», youâre doing something spectacularly wrong. đ„
Sonyâs «Kraven the Hunter» Bombs Hard: Even the Green-Haired Critics Couldnât Save It!
Critics on Rotten Tomatoes gave «Kraven» a dismal 15%, while CinemaScore handed it a mercy «C». But wait, thereâs more! Andrew J. Salazar of «Discussing Film» called it «worse than Madame Web, which you can at least laugh at.» Thatâs right â the best defense for Sonyâs other flops is that theyâre unintentionally funny. «Kraven», on the other hand, canât even manage that. đ
Sonyâs Love Affair with Failure Continues
Letâs recap Sonyâs recent superhero stumbles. First, «Madame Web» capped its theatrical run with a paltry $100 million, barely scraping by in the «itâs a loss» category. Then «Venom: The Last Dance» delivered underwhelming numbers compared to its predecessors, proving that even Tom Hardy canât pull miracles out of mediocrity. Now «Kraven» has swooped in to save the day by setting a new low bar for box office disasters. Bravo, Sony. Bravo. đ
đ„ «Sony’s Kraven the Hunter Bombs Harder Than Ever â Even Rotten Tomatoes Canât Save It!
But hereâs where it gets juicy: According to insiders, the filmâs doom was written long before its release. Sony hosted a test screening with influencers from «X» (formerly Twitter) who, reportedly, were selected based on their green hair, support for Palestine, and «non-binary vibes». The feedback? Unanimous disdain. «A pumped-up white Russian, clearly heterosexual? And this in 2024? Are you serious?!» commented one viewer. Forget bad CGI â the real crime here is being too straight, apparently. đ€Ł
Audiences Agree: «Kraven» is Kraven for Relevance
The general consensus among moviegoers is clear: «Kraven the Hunter» is a giant snooze-fest. Social media has been ablaze with roasting sessions worthy of a Comedy Central special. «Aaron Taylor-Johnsonâs abs deserved a better script,» one user tweeted, while another quipped, «This movie made me nostalgic for Jared Letoâs Morbius. Imagine that.» Ouch. Even the hashtag #KravenTheDumpsterFire was trending. Sonyâs PR team might want to invest in asbestos gloves because thatâs some serious heat. đ„
And the criticisms arenât unwarranted. In an age of oversaturated superhero content, audiences expect something fresh, innovative, or at least entertaining. Instead, Sony delivered a dull rehash with all the charm of a high school PowerPoint presentation. Spoiler: Nobody asked for this. đ
Sonyâs Bold New Plan: Play It Safe
Faced with yet another failure, Sony seems ready to retreat to the safety of its most marketable asset: Spider-Man. Insiders claim the studio is shelving its lineup of obscure character adaptations in favor of more Peter Parker-related content. And honestly? Thatâs probably for the best. The moral of the story is clear: If it doesnât involve swinging between skyscrapers or fighting Willem Dafoe, nobody cares. đ«
So, whatâs next for Sony? Will they finally learn from their mistakes, or are we doomed to a sequel called «Kraven: The Redemption»? Only time will tell. Until then, weâll be here, popcorn in hand, ready to laugh at the next cinematic catastrophe. Stay tuned. đŠ
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true callingâor at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
