Oh great, another cash grab disguised as “innovation” in gaming. Buckle up, you degenerates, because Bandai Namco just dropped the most unhinged sequel since the time they tried to make a survival horror game where you play as a sentient toaster. Introducing Code Vein II: The Anime Souls Experience™, now with 100% more time travel, 50% more existential dread, and 0% chance you’ll ever finish it. 🎮⏰💀
Inspired by the “brilliant” success of From Software’s Soulsborne games—because nothing says “artistic triumph” like a game where you die so much you start questioning your life choices—Bandai Namco, the studio that brought us Monster Hunter and God Eater, decided to dip their toe into the “Soulslike” pool. In 2019, they released Code Vein, affectionately dubbed “Anime Souls” by fans who’ve probably never seen a real anime in their lives. It sold three million copies, which is impressive if you consider most people bought it just to see if they could make their character look like a rejected Studio Ghibli reject. The game was basically Dark Souls but with worse combat, more anime-style hair, and a story so convoluted it made *Inception* look like a bedtime story.
Fast forward to Summer Game Fest 2025, and Geoff Keighley—yes, that guy who cries every time a game gets delayed—announced Code Vein II. And what do we get? The same boring combat system, the same character creator that still looks like a photo-shopped MySpace profile, and now… *time travel*. Because apparently, the first game’s biggest flaw wasn’t the lack of tutorials, or the fact that your character bleeds black blood for no reason, but that it didn’t let you go back and fix your life choices. Like, sure, maybe if you’d just listened to your parents and become a dentist, you wouldn’t be playing a game where you fight vampire-like humans in a post-apocalyptic city that looks like a Walmart exploded.
Producer Keita Iizuka, the man who once said “we want players to feel the pain of loss,” explained that time travel was added “to let players experience different parts of their lives.” Oh no, not this again. So now I can go back and prevent that one time I accidentally killed my best friend in-game? Or maybe I can go back and make my character wear better clothes? Because nothing says “immersive storytelling” like being able to redo your entire existence just because you’re mad you didn’t level up your arm cannon earlier.
I got to play Code Vein II at a “closed-door event” in London—read: a fancy hotel room where they handed me a headset and said “enjoy the future of gaming.” And let me tell you, the time travel mechanics are as smooth as a 2009 laptop trying to run a modern game. You start in the present, get frustrated, go back to the past, fix one tiny thing, come back to the present, and then… you have to do it again. It’s like playing chess, but every move resets the board. And for what? To unlock a secret ending where your character finally learns how to use a flashlight? Groundbreaking.
Speaking of the character creator, Iizuka proudly announced it’s now “extremely customizable,” but whatever you do, your character will *always* retain “adorable elements of their face and figures.” Translation: you can make a 7-foot-tall, cybernetic warlord, but their face will still look like a chibi anime puppy. It’s like trying to build a tank in Minecraft, but every block turns into a pastel unicorn. And let’s not forget the new “kintsugi” motif—because nothing says “deep philosophy” like using gold to patch up broken pottery while your character fights giant monsters. Next you’ll tell me the soundtrack is all kazoos.
The story? Let’s just say it’s a “different universe” because they’re too scared to actually continue the original plot. Why? Because in the first game, the protagonist barely survived, and now they’re worried fans might get confused if the sequel actually *follows* the timeline. So instead, they’ve invented time travel as a narrative cop-out. It’s like if *The Godfather* Part II was actually *The Godfather* Part 1.5, but set in 1920 and starring a talking cat.
And the combat? Still the same “run into a monster, die, respawn, repeat” loop, but now with time travel! So if you die, you can just go back five minutes and try again. It’s like a cheat code, but they’re charging you $60 for it. Plus, you have to manage your “vein” meter, which is basically just a fancy name for “health,” but now it also controls your ability to time travel. Because of course it does.
The game’s set for release on January 30, 2026—perfect timing, right before everyone forgets what a gaming console is and switches to VR toilets. And if you miss the launch, don’t worry! There will be a “time travel DLC” where you can go back and play the original Code Vein… but with time travel! It’s like a Russian nesting doll of regret.
In conclusion, Code Vein II is the gaming equivalent of a bad relationship: you know it’s toxic, you’ve seen the red flags, but you keep coming back because you’re emotionally invested in the *idea* of it being good. But let’s be real: this game is just a cash grab wrapped in anime aesthetics, time travel nonsense, and a character creator that thinks “realistic” means “cartoonish.” If you enjoyed the original, you’ll probably enjoy this one too—just don’t expect it to make any sense, or for your character to ever look halfway decent.
But hey, at least you can go back in time and fix that one decision you made in Chapter 3. Maybe. If the game lets you. Probably not. 😂🕰️💔
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
