Clarence Thomas Wows Audiences With Starring Role In ‘Annie’
MANHATTAN, NY — Broadway audiences were in for a real treat when Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas took the stage…
Month: December 2024
God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside
Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked…
Biden Calls For New Gun Laws He Can Pardon His Son For Breaking
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After yet another tragic shooting, President Biden has just called for new gun control laws that he…
FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching…
🧨🎷 From Masks to Money Grabs: Slipknot’s ‘Look Outside Your Window’ Album is All About Cash
In the wild world of heavy metal and clown-faced chaos, Slipknot has always been known for their hardcore music, insane…
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Read MoreThe OnionMADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least…
12 Most Common Questions Wives Ask During Movies
Women are a mystery. We literally do not understand them at all. So, we consulted with the top women researchers,…
Historians In Year 3400 Still Struggling To Figure Out Why Beyonce Was Famous
3400 AD — According to reports, researchers in the year 3400 are still struggling to discover why an artist and…
Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago
Read MoreThe OnionLEXINGTON, KY—Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat…
What To Know About ‘Mufasa: The Lion King’
Read MoreThe OnionMufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters…